In Bachelor in Paradise, Trust No Blakes

Screenshot: ABC/Bachelor in Paradise

I’ve never participated in fantasy football before, but I imagine it’s somewhat similar to what loyal followers of the Bachelor in Paradise franchise endure when they create relationship brackets and bet on budding romances. There’s approximately one trillion people back at the resort in Sayulita, Mexico looking for love, and if the rest of the season is anything like night one, I’m confident there will be... no lasting engagements. Sorry.

Bachelor in Paradise’s Season 6 premiere aired Monday night and began as it always does—with a parade of beloved contestants from the last three or so seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette giving the cameras a brief update on their lives post-heartbreak. It is in this segment where Demi Burnett, the jokester from Colton Underwood’s season, opens up about her sexuality to the most recent Bachelorette, Hannah Brown. Demi reveals that while she’s not keen on labels, she has been seeing a woman, just not exclusively. She headed to Paradise as newly fluid, “interested in both genders” (her phrasing), and also probably because the show needs her humor and meme-able one-liners.

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The drama of last night’s episode centered around Blake Horstmann from Becca Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette. (Previously, Arie humiliated Becca, and then she got engaged to a guy who likes Instagram posts ridiculing Parkland school shooting survivors, immigrants, leftist women and trans people... a real winner.) Blake, who I can really only tell apart from some of the other dudes on the beach because he looks like actor Ken Marino if he were made of clay and left out in the sun, apparently dated Caelynn Miller-Keyes from Colton’s season before Paradise and did her dirty. At one point in the premiere episode, Caelynn refers to herself as a “mistake” in Blake’s eyes; says he told her they had to keep their hookup “secret”; and reveals that after she “spent a night” with Blake at Stagecoach, aka country Coachella, he told her he slept with another Bachelor contestant the night before and even DM’d Hannah G. while still in bed with Caelynn.

All of this douchebaggery comes to a head when Blake sees Caelynn enter Paradise and he literally runs away like a true coward. The lesson here is to never trust a Blake. (And what ever happened to the rumor that Caelynn was dating Dean Unglert? Somehow, he seems like a more viable option right now?)

Also in the episode: Blake and Tayshia from Colton’s season, the woman who really should’ve been the Bachelorette over Hannah B., go on a date. It’s fine. Derek from JoJo Fletcher’s season makes out with Demi in a hot tub—it’s also fine. Hannah G. and Dylan Barbour from Hannah B.’s season also make out. He must love Hannah’s. Blake also goes on a date with Kristina from Nick Viall’s season, which is especially sketchy because Kristina is the other woman he slept with at Stagecoach, allegedly less than 24 hours before he boned Caelynn.

So what’s next? When will Cam from Hannah B.’s season get the boot? How did Kristina manage to enter a love triangle after only being on the beach for a few hours? Will I keep all these people straight? Are you already exhausted?

Here’s a running cast of characters:

Hannah G. (Colton’s season)
Katie (Colton’s season)
Sydney (Colton’s season)
Tayshia (Colton’s season)
Demi (Colton’s season)
Onyeka (Colton’s season)
Jane (Colton’s season)
Annaliese (Arie’s season; Bachelor in Paradise Season 5)
Nicole (Colton’s season)
Caelynn (Colton’s season)
Bibiana (Arie’s season; Winter Games; Bachelor in Paradise Season 5)
Kristina (Nick’s season, Bachelor in Paradise Season 4)
Blake (Becca’s season)
Dylan (Hannah’s season)
Derek (JoJo’s season; Bachelor in Paradise Season 4)
Kevin (Hannah’s season)
Wills (Becca’s season; Bachelor in Paradise Season 5)
Cam (Hannah’s season)
John Paul Jones (Hannah’s season)
Chris Bukowski (I don’t know, he kept saying he’s been on the show six times?)
Clay (Becca’s season)

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You’re welcome.

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