Is Hot New Jesus Fuckable? (Bless)

Screenshot: Netflix

Absolutely no one, not a single person on Earth was clamoring for yet another iteration of light-skinned Jesus. But Netflix has decided that people needed something new to fight about, so it dropped a trailer for its new show Messiah.

The show (available January 1) appears to be a modern retelling of the Jesus narrative and frames Jesus as a nobody preaching the gospel in Syria. While I expect this to be extremely polarizing, the trailer raises a lot of questions on its own.

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The main question is not, how many Jesuses are too many? It’s not even a moral argument about whether this new depiction will be offensive to Jesus’ followers. The serious thing that everyone needs to take a moment to interrogate themselves about is whether or not this particular Jesus is fuckable? Would you sit on this Jesus’ face even if it meant eternal damnation?

I have a chip installed in my brain that doesn’t allow me to process Quran characters as sexual beings, so the jury is out on whether I would fuck this Jesus or not. But I would have to lean towards a polite no. I don’t find him terribly attractive. I mean, what’s happening with that beard, J? His hair is also very greasy looking. I understand that Jesus didn’t have time to properly wash and condition his locks, but it wouldn’t have killed him to put it in a pony before leading the masses to religious revolt against the Romans. The reality is that it’s really hard for any Jesus to tickle my fancy, not just because of my religious views but because perfect light-skinned Jesus has already come and gone. Of course, I’m refering to the hottest Jesus of them all, Juan Pablo di Pace who played a very chill version of Jesus in A.D. The Bible Continues.

Screenshot: NBC

Now that is a Jesus you can really wrap your legs around. If those eyes don’t scream “Come lay in my manger,” then I don’t know what does. Please also note the excellent hair. How can anyone even compare this Pantene commercial level Jesus to Netflix’s newer Levi’s ad Jesus?

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About the author

Shannon Melero

Spurned blogger. Out for vengeance.