Illustration for article titled Its Never Going to Be Hannah Ann, Bud
Screenshot: ABC/The Bachelor

The penultimate episode of the lackluster run that has been Season 24 of The Bachelor aired Monday night. Pilot Peter Weber, stuck in the middle of the Australian outback between two ladies who should get out now (Madison and Hannah Ann), had his decision made for him.

Spoilers ahead.

After Peter reintroduced Madi and introduced Hannah Ann to his family back home, the long-teased and -memed moment of his mom crying for “the perfect woman” has been revealed—and it was genuinely shocking. His parents appear to love Hannah Ann’s obviously manufactured and unwavering devotion to her son and not the Christian girl who supposedly gave him an ultimatum of “don’t have sex with the other women or we’re through.” (In reality, Madison waited late in the game to reveal that she is saving herself for marriage, yes, but it’s not like she withheld her boundaries in order to manipulate Peter. Let her live.) Turns out, Peter was intimate with others and they kept dating nonetheless—until she decided to abandon him near Ayers Rock because their lifestyles are simply too different. That was a realization she did not come to until his mom told her that he loves to party, does she like to party, will she make sure he doesn’t change him including his love to party, which is a very funny concern for a mom to have. More power to Madi for standing her ground, but it does seem like she did not watch the previous season of The Bachelorette, otherwise she would’ve learned that Peter’s only claim to fame, other than slamming a cocktail glass into his forehead, is fucking a bunch of times in a windmill.

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Anyway, she left him, and Weber continued on—perhaps because of his family who pushed him towards Hannah Ann regardless of his actual feelings and regardless of the fact that they had only met her once. Near the episode’s end, Weber says Hannah is someone he “would pick first” even though he didn’t have to because the woman he really loved walked away. And so he settles for second best. The conspiracy theorist in me believes Peter and Hannah Ann will get engaged despite being incompatible—a classic Hannah Brown and Jed Wyatt situation—and it will end in heartbreak. Since the beginning of the season, Hannah Ann has consistently mentioned her career as a model; there is simply no way she wasn’t using this show to further launch an Insta baddie career. I respect it, but you don’t have to say “I do” to get there.

Illustration for article titled Its Never Going to Be Hannah Ann, Bud
Screenshot: ABC/The Bachelor

I wouldn’t be surprised if Peter pulls a Colton Underwood and chases Madison to attempt a relationship outside of the show. For some reason, that seems to be the popular modus operandi these days: The Bachelor franchise continues on as the fallacy of the fantasy continues to prove to be impossible in the modern era, and so these guys try to make it work in the real world. Still, I can’t help but wonder: Is producing women so they walk away from untenable relationships ABC’s attempt at making The Bachelor more feminist? Does anyone actually get married out of this thing? What are the rules? Who plays by the rules? Is that even the point?

I’d wager a big no. The real point of The Bachelor is to take a drink every time Peter’s family calls him “bud.” What a tipsy Monday night for us all. I expect them to land a Budweiser brand deal by tomorrow night.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands from NKOTB to BTS, is out 7/21/20.

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