'I've Never Heard this Sucking a Boob in Canada Story': It's Vanderpump Rules Reunion Time

While much of the pop culture-savvy population spent Monday night glued to Twitter and their television screens to catch glimpses of celebrities misinterpreting Susan Sontag’s 1964 essay “Notes on Camp” at the 2019 Met Gala, the rest of us trash addicts were gearing up to ingest part one of a three-part Season 7 Vanderpump Rules reunion.

For what it’s worth: Sontag would’ve loved this shit.

While he season ended with everyone more or less growing up and taking responsibility for their actions (as much as these emotionally stunted, attractive 30-somethings can, especially with James Kennedy throwing off the curve), the reunion proved their growth was actually the equivalent to just slapping some band-aids on gouging wounds that really require stitches. Everyone was on one—including Andy Cohen. It must be so exhausting having to babysit the bad boys of reality television all the time.

I don’t even know where to begin, so let’s get the big revelations out of the way:

• Kristen Doute admitted she’s single, so at some point in Season 8 we’ll probably see her finally break up with the no-good, very-bad Brian Carter. Thank god.
• Scheana Marie is still “hanging and banging” her “best friend” Adam Spott, regardless of the fact that he doesn’t want a relationship with her and that she demanded he admit he’s in love with her. (He’s not.) So, she’s exactly where she was a year ago.
• The entire Vanderpump Rules cast apparently resents LaLa Kent for keeping her relationship with her husband-to-be, Randall Emmett, private—“We all give 100 percent of our lives, except you,” Scheana confronted her.
• Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz still feel like they’re not actually part of TomTom, which honestly seems like a non-issue. They’re going to make money off of it, and they’ve just purchased homes… it’s like, find a real problem, boys.
• Not to make my personal biases known, or anything, but James Kennedy’s horrible girlfriend Raquel Leviss got a job at SUR, which sucks, because who is gunning for her continued involvement on this show?
• Raquel, after referring to herself as “a beauty queen,” admitted that she doesn’t think James has always been faithful to her, which is what every woman on this show has been trying to tell her for years.
• Raquel also said she didn’t believe LaLa Kent when she said James cheated on her because LaLa “wasn’t there.” James jumped in and said Kent was getting misinformation from his former BFF Logan (a what’s-his-face on this show if there ever was one,) to which LaLa responded, “No I’m not. I watched you suck on a girl’s boob, right in front of me, in Canada.” Andy Cohen jumped in—“I’ve never heard this ‘sucking on a boob in Canada’ story”—to little avail. Please, reality TV dad, I need more details.
• Lisa Vanderpump revealed she has been seeing a grief counselor and began taking anti-depressants to cope with losing her brother to suicide.
• James Kennedy accused Jax Taylor of pretending to be Raquel and posting homophobic tweets, which Ariana Madix verified by saying his phone number was linked to the handle. (If you know the @, please, drop it in the comments below.) If true, this means the reformed Jax promised by the show all season has pivoted from IRL bullying to cyberbullying. Who saw this timeline coming? My conspiracy theory is that Kristen is actually behind the account—she’s certainly clever enough to learn how to hack.
• To add fuel to the fire, Tom Sandoval—Jax Taylor’s Best Man at his forthcoming wedding—decided to come to James’s defense, which caused Jax’s fiancé Brittany Cartwright to blow up. (That was shocking, because she’s only really screamed on screen to admonish Jax when he was perfidious in the past.)

• Naturally, everyone started to go at it, to the point where Andy Cohen had to yell at them to, “Shut the fuck up!”—a beautiful way to conclude a beautiful, hour-long train wreck of television. When Andy’s pissed at the childish infighting, you know the chaos real.

I assume viewers can only expect more screaming next week because Billie Lee, Vanderpump Rules’ latest addition, still needs to make an appearance. My only hope is that LaLa has googled “cis privilege” in the months since the season finished filming. That, and the producers decide to bring out Stassi Schroeder’s new boo Beau Clark sometime soon. Put him in the hot seat! Give us that comic relief!