Liam Neeson Will Play a Snowplow Driver... HELLBENT ON REVENGE!

Illustration for article titled Liam Neeson Will Play a Snowplow Driver... HELLBENT ON REVENGE!
Image: AP

Upon hearing that Liam Neeson’s next role would be that of a snowplow driver, you might assume that he was going indie to revamp his career once again, after a decade of playing ACTION DADS. You would be wrong! Because this snowplow driver is going after a drug lord—of course.

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Deadline reported on Hard Powder, which is due in theaters February 2019, and I absolutely must quote the synopsis in full:

Quiet family man and hard-working snowplow driver Nels is the lifeblood of a glitzy resort town in the Rocky Mountains because he is the one who keeps the winter roads clear. He and his wife live in a comfortable cabin away from the tourists. The town has just awarded him “Citizen of the Year.” But Nels has to leave his quiet mountain life when his son is murdered by a powerful drug lord. As a man who has nothing to lose he is stoked by a drive for vengeance. This unlikely hero uses his hunting skills and transforms from an ordinary man into a skilled killer as he sets out to dismantle the cartel. Nels’ actions ignite a turf war between a manically unpredictable gangster known as Viking and a Native American gang boss. Justice is served in one final spectacular confrontation that will leave (almost) no one unscathed.

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God bless Liam Neeson, and God bless the United States of America.

Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

I can predict – with absolute and utter certainty – that at some climactic point in the movie, a vengeful Nels will be seen using his snowplow to bury and smother the drug lord under a ridiculously vast quantity of the titular illegal Hard Powder.

You know it has to happen… multi-camera, in slo-mo – a mountain of cocaine (heroin, fentanyl, whatever) that dwarfs anything Al Pacino ever imagined in Scarface, curling majestically above the plow blade and sparkling above the key lights – as the cowering, feckless drug lord meets his poetic demise beneath tons of the very substance he so ruthlessly –

Sorry, I got carried away. Anyway, I’m officially calling it now; I’ll be back for my writing credit after the premier. The only thing left to be decided is what pithy bit of snappy patter Nels will deliver along with the fatal plow load. Any submissions?