Lindsay Lohan Seems Like a Great Boss

In an extended fit of oppressive mischief, Linsday Lohan broke out a champagne gun and sprayed her guests and employees on Tuesday’s episode of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. What is a champagne gun, you ask? Well, it’s a boozy water gun, a party gun if you will, to which an entire bottle of champagne can be attached and sprayed on people, leaving a sticky residue and immediate feelings of, “This seems so much more fun in music videos.” Holding it makes Lohan “feel like Putin,” another (albeit more evil) oppressor that Lohan said she “respects” and “admires” a few years ago on Russian TV.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, which almost happened to Jules, the Lohan’s Beach House “ambassador” who is not very religious (not even in the sense of meditation, it would seem) despite Lohan’s insistence a few episodes ago. The eye incident happened as a result of Lohan’s Beach House partner, Panos Spentzos, commanding his employees to stand in a line so that they could be efficiently painted in champagne. This seems like…a labor violation? Employee Jonitta said it made her feel like a peasant, and she didn’t want to get her hair wet. Fair!

It seems like torture working there? Everyone is always so stressed out and unhappy with their surroundings, despite the surroundings being paradise. And even though the ambassadors are young and obviously possessing working hormones and living in close quarters, they’re not supposed to hook up???

As ridiculously unfair as I find this, I am thankful for Spentzos’s new spin on an old classic: “We’re not here to make couples. We’re here to work.”