Do you hear the rumbling underfoot? That’s the sound of a thousand stylists in chunky sneakers rushing around to various showrooms in Los Angeles, yelling on the phone and battling for supremacy on the awards circuit red carpet deathmatch tournament, which climaxes in two weeks at the 92nd Annual Academy Awards. Luckily, Jezebel is here to explain all the movies in Oscar contention.

Maybe you are a purist for the ceremony and have already planned a wide array of groan-inducing punny foods to serve some coworkers and acquaintances, ready to fight about your favorite movie. Or maybe you have an actual job and a life outside the ever-spinning wheel of pop culture and haven’t yet seen Marriage Story, even though it’s right there on Netflix, and if you just sat down for a bit maybe you could get through it. You’ve seen the meme, though!

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Either way, this video is here to help, because unlike you: I don’t have a life, love to fight, and sat through more Oscars movies than I would ever care to in my fucking life. (Until next year, at least!) Beware of spoilers!

Producer: Lisa Fischer, Senior Producer: Jennifer Perry, Editor: Michael Pasquariello

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DISCUSSION

vavavavoom
VaVaVaVoom

Girl meets boy, boy has previously unknown hep c, girl spends 100k to help boy through custody battle with NPD ex, girl dumps boy after he turns into someone she doesn’t know while financially supporting him through Hep C cure but end stage liver disease, more court schannegans and being accused of abusing said stepkids and is rewarded by having a chair thrown at her because of hepatic encephalopathy, girl takes boy into home after having a hemorrhagic stroke, girl nurses boy back to health, loses 3 jobs and housing doing so, girl ends up back in Texas technically single but married for purposes of continuing to insure boy under cobra, still living in extended stay, without medical coverage and needing thousands of dollars of surgery to fix borked joints because she damaged both knees trying to care for 200 lbs, 6 ft stroke patient by herself. when is THAT movie going to be made? Never, because it isn’t funny or quirky, just depressing.  Sorry this IS the short version. 

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