Naomi Campbell Played a Cougar on Last Night's Empire

Lots of things happened on Wednesday night’s episode of Empire, but all I remember is Naomi Campbell. In “The Devil Quotes Scripture,” Lucious’ son Hakeem continued to have some serious mommy issues and Naomi Campbell was right there to fix them.

Hakeem’s belligerence toward his mother Cookie, who’s still reacquainting herself with her family post-prison, runs deeper than we thought—right into his sex life. He and his older girlfriend slash maternal surrogate Camilla (played by Naomi Campbell) have been secretly screwing for over a year. When Camilla sends him that late-night sext while he’s in a club, mid-turn-up, dancing to Drake’s “0 to 100,” Hakeem lies that he’s at home in bed.
She catches him because of course she’s there too, looking a lot like Naomi Campbell, who I assume has “Get Me Bodied” on loop in her head at all times:

Next thing you know, they’re splayed out on a pool table and Hakeem is asking Camilla if she thinks he’s more talented than his brother Jamal. She says exactly what I think Naomi Campbell would say in this situation: “Who cares.” And then, “You’re the one. You are going to inherit the kingdom.” Tell ’em what they wanna hear.

Hakeem reaffirms that he’d rather keep their relationship on the low, though it’s hard to believe a badass like Camilla would let this young, dumb dude dictate the terms of their situationship. However, coug on, Camilla. In the absence of an imprisoned Cookie, Hakeem really just wants a mother’s love and attention. How do we know this? Because:

Camilla: “Tell me, who am I to you?”

Hakeem: “You’re my mama.”

No, you’re Naomi Campbell. Other than Naomi Campbell, which, again, is the only thing I remember, some more strange and notable moments:

—Lucious, not a good friend, wears white to the funeral of his friend Bunkie, whom he recently murdered, and cries while delivering the eulogy.

—To cover up his murderous activities and keep the coppers off his tail,
Lucious needs to track down their unexpected witness, so he asks his son Andre (who’s none the wiser that his pops murdered Bunkie) to investigate. Andre seeks assistance from Deputy Mayor Alvarez the only way he knows how: a mid-day office bang session.

—Later on, Andre’s blowjob-bib-wearing wife Rhonda grills him about how he got “privileged information” from the police. In true telenovela fashion, they play out some freaky cheating fantasy where he reenacts boning his sidepiece Alvarez. “Call me her name, Mr. Lyon,” says Rhonda. What.

—Meanwhile in Cookie land, Lucious’ righthand woman Anika has hired a private detective to follow her and get dirt, but Cookie’s too smart for Boo Boo Kitty’s tricks and weasels her way out of being caught cooperating with the feds. Cookie also reunites with an old horse-loving songwriter friend named Puma, played by (who else) Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr.

—Best line: “Don’t look back there, it’s the bedroom. It’s where we make the gay love,” said by Jamal when Lucious comes to visit. At the end of the episode, Jamal decides to pack up and leave the apartment for which Lucious is footing the bill. No more games. Jamal will prove him wrong. He wants the empire. Because he just can’t wait to be king. [Dramatic music plays]