Oh No, Fifty Shades Darker's New Trailer Is Here

The first official trailer for Fifty Shades Darker was wildly successful because everyone was jacking to it so much. Would you like to jack it to this new trailer?


The previous trailer focused more on Christian and Ana’s sexy masquerade, in which they luxuriate in lurid decadence by wearing cheap Halloween Store masks as Kim Basinger walks around ominously. The new version features many of the same beats—the helicopter crash, the scary lady who watches them sleep, Ana flirtatiously asking Christian, “Are you just gonna stand there and gawk all day?”

The answer is still yes, though in this version she’s taken off her ball gown and is wearing *YOWZA* lingerie. One notable change is the increased finger-banging content, during which Christian asks Ana to take her underwear off in a restaurant, then proceeds to go at it in an elevator. This is bad and wrong and I don’t believe a truly secretive sex pervert would try it.

I can’t say this enough: do not fingerbang in a crowded elevator. Everyone knows. Everyone. There’s noise and movement and, god help me, a smell associated with finger-banging that can’t be ignored when you’re trapped in a tiny box zooming up and down a long shaft. I know you got turned on reading that sentence, but it’s still no excuse to break the laws of common decency. Also, don’t force your waiter to pretend they don’t notice you’re putting your bare ass on a cloth seat cover. Christian Grey does not tip enough for this shit.

And please, wait until you get home before jacking it to this trailer.

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin


Masshole James, Unstable Genius

We better see his dick this time or I’m gonna burn Universal Studios down.