Only the Snow Is Perfect: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled Only the Snow Is Perfect: A iReal Housewives of Salt Lake City /iHoliness Ranking
Screenshot: Bravo

Blessings and salutations my fellow Bravo believers. Wednesday night the ladies of Salt Lake City treated us to yet another feast of small stakes drama and hideous designer fashions with a ski resort as the backdrop. Did you know Utah has the best snow in the world? According to Heather, it’s magical, but after hearing her describe it I’m convinced she has had some sort of sexual relation with snow or in the snow. Either way, kudos to Holy Father for creating snow.

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As with last week’s ranking, the women will be starting this week’s holiness ranking with five halos, except for the ones who have committed permanent sin. This includes Whitney, who has tattoos, and Lisa, who owns a tequila company. Mary, who is Pentecostal but has pierced ears, will only be deducted points for her sinful lobes if she sports earrings in an episode. Although with the giant fuzzy hat she chose to wear on the ski outing this week, it’s hard to tell if she’s got ears at all.

It’s time once again to enter into the church of judgment and see which housewife comes out clean or at least clean-adjacent.

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Jen, Muslim Princess

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Jen, my sweet plastic surgery baby. She was off to a promising start last week after she scared her son about the dangers of kissing girls on the lips but this week, was more of the same antics including an incomprehensible fit of rage in her bathroom over the Mary/hospital smell/aunt’s amputation issue. The Lord calls us to never raise our voices or speak out of anger but more importantly, taking the lord’s name in vain to swear—gasp—is a full two-halo deduction. Jen also lied to her husband about the scale of the party, which is absolutely pointless considering the whole thing was filmed.

Lisa, Mormon but make it New York

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Lisa really is a New York rose trying to flourish in Utah and she is doing a terrible, terrible job of it. That natural aggression New Yorkers are born with does not play well outside of the city and definitely doesn’t do anything for her as she strives to be the perfect Mormon woman who also sells tequila. Despite having a permanent negative point because of her business, Lisa has regained it this week with the mention that her eldest child attends seminary. Good Mormon mom right there. She was so close to perfection, but her mistreatment of Heather and Whitney at the dinner table and her lack of humility over her gift for Whitney’s wedding—“I did a good deed, I was generous, end of story”—drags her down the ladder of holy father’s favor.

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Whitney, the ex-Mormon aspiring pole dancer

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Whitney, girl. How many poles do you need in one house? Pole theatrics aside, Whitney shared a little more about her family history this week and revealed that she comes from a background of plural marriage. There are conflicting ideas about plural marriage in Mormonism; however, after some consideration, Whitney will be allotted one extra holiness point for not only mentioning plural marriage but descending from it because at the end of the day, the point of Mormonism, of any organized religion really, is to fill the earth with believers. Whether she likes it or not, Whitney plays a part in that plan, the way the Holy Father always intended. However, it cannot be ignored that Whitney agreed to attend and take her father to a non-LDS church. Uncool!

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Meredith, the nearly perfect Jew

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I’ve got to say, Meredith almost got me this week. Either she is truly perfect or she is saving all her sins for off-camera. Last week, Meredith won the holiness rankings although one commenter, Amethyst, shared an excellent point in my search for Meredith’s faults: “There actually is a law in Judaism that says you’re not allowed to wear linen and wool together in the same garment,” Amethyst writes. However, because I cannot say definitively what textiles comprise Meredith’s garments, I won’t employ this rule this week. It’s in my back pocket, though!

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I thought I had something when she was at dinner with her husband drinking Reposado, but that is a kosher beverage so no dice. But alas, good things come to those who wait and Meredith’s one flaw was finally revealed. She and her husband Seth are separated! Cue dramatic music. While Judaism does not forbid divorce and in some cases encourages it for the betterment of the individuals, there are rules about what is required of a husband and wife up until the moment of a legal divorce. One such rule, which has its roots in the book of Exodus, is cohabitation. Meredith and Seth hardly spend time together in the same home and by Seth’s admission, they aren’t having sex, a marital privilege they are both entitled to under Jewish law.

Heather

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Heather taught me a lot in this episode, other than the magical perfection that is Utah snow. She taught me that the thumbs-up emoji doesn’t mean OK or good job, it means fuck you. As fascinating as that discovery is, “fuck” is simply not a word that can exit the mouth of a good faithful Mormon woman, nor can she text it. Not only did Heather tell Lisa to fuck off via thumbs-up, she then lied about it as if she had no idea what Lisa was talking about. Smart move in the real world, but not acceptable in the celestial kingdom. And don’t think I didn’t catch that skirt hemline above the knee, Heather!

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Mary, the holiest Pentecostal in town

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Mary frightens me. That’s not a sin or something for which I can remove a point but I just needed to get that off my chest and I know that this is a safe space. Mary gets a bonus halo this week not only for convincing two new souls to come into her church but also because those souls are, by Pentecostal standards, considered to be lost. Jesus loves you for this, Mary. This gain makes up for the loss sustained by once again wearing earrings! Come on Mary, this is easy shit—just skip the diamonds for once. Despite the earrings and the over-the-top materialism, Mary is this week’s winner!

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Thus concludes this week’s edition of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: Holiness Rankings.

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DISCUSSION

I just want to know one thing:

Which housewife is married to her dead grandmother's husband? And what is the backstory on this?