Pokémon Should Be Offended By Maroon 5's Bad 'Don't Wanna Know' Video

Maroon 5's kitschy, ridiculous music video for their 10,000th breakup single “Don’t Wanna Know” tries to capture the sad, depressing life of a Pokémon through dark humor and schadenfreude.

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First, we have to travel back three months ago, to a time when Pokémon Go actually mattered and everyone was obsessed with catching them, revealing the deep emotional issues within us all. For “Don’t Wanna Know,” from the mind of Wedding Crashers director David Dobkin, Maroon 5 dressed up as Pokémon and lived out their wildest, weirdest fantasies.

The problem is that no one cares about Pokémon anymore except for people who care way too much. And also, Adam Levine is not funny. Join me on my journey to piece together this Poké-mess.

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The video begins with Adam Levine waking up in a bed alone. As a Pokémon.

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He tries to drown his sorrows in a morning green juice mix.

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And in the toilet.

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The Pokémon is either practicing yoga or humping the floor.

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Oh, it’s practicing yoga.

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But none of this erases the memory of the PokéWOmon he misses.

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So he tries to take a joyride and forget his troubles.

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Adults are very strange.

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Very strange.

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As it turns out, Pokémon don’t actually like being captured. It hurts them. They run and yet we continue to chase them for pure entertainment.

It’s a commentary on societal expectations, antidisestablishmentarianism, systemic oppression and gaming.

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The Maroon 5 Pokémon sing as some sort of escape.

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But they can’t.

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None of them can.

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Finally, Levine runs into the PokéWOmon he’s pining after (Sarah Silverman).

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And he wants her. They want each other. But it’s not going to happen.

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The fans come between them and so Sarah Silverman floats away...

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A hokey director suggests that Levine wear a hat because it’s sexy like Pharrell’s. Levine doesn’t want to be “silly,” though. And it’s funny because the video is silly.

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Hey, Would U a Pokémon foursome?

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Later on, instead of drowning in sadness, the Pokémon embrace their fame and party.

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And puke.

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And vape.

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The end of the video features an unfunny conversation between Levine and Vince Vaughn as a Pokémon expressing grief about how life as a Pokémon shouldn’t be so hard. Once again, Adam Levine never fails to embarrass. I propose that Justin Timberlake could have pulled off this cheesy concept way better.

Culture Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

Where’s Kendrick tho