Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 29—In a cold and contentious year, the single consistent force that could unite a country divided was a 28-year-old Bajan genius known as RIHANNA YAAAAAAALL!!!! Yes, 2016 may have been a disaster in virtually every other way, but it’s time for us to put aside our dour and very real terror for the future and recognize for a minute what a beautiful year it was for our queen, our one true savior, the driving force behind our ability to go on and beautiful beacon of light and glory, Ms. Robyn Rihanna FENTY! Pop star, fashion designer, shoe designer (for TWO! companies), sock designer and ICON!
Navy will agree that New Year’s was supposedly the beginning of the new year but the true day the new year started was on January 27 because that is when “Work” was released, and then when it really started was later on January 28 because that is when a Tidal employee messed up and accidentally released all of Anti! Uh oh, but also THANK YOU, you angel at Tidal, because you gifted us all unto the world!!! RIHANNA!
This was in October 2015!!!! Never forget!
Where were you when Anti dropped?!?! My friends I cannot tell a lie, I was inside my office and listening to it on bad headphones! But it didn’t matter because the experience of hearing the golden voice of our queen transported me to a different time and place, as wonderfully as being in the womb. LO!
Oh you thought that was all Badgal Riri was gonna bless you with? AU CONTRAIRE, PETITE BON BON! In February, she premiered her fashion line FENTY by PUMA at New York Fashion week because she is pregnant with ideas and light and beauty and it was fabulous! Then she performed for MusicCares person of the year honoring Lionel Richie, who definitely CRIED at the sight, and then she STUNNED on the red carpet for the Brit Awards! Which led to...
THE SHOT HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD!
Oh, you thought she might take a moment to rest? HA! This is our queen and CEO we are talking about here and legends never sleep! She kicked off the Anti World Tour and everyone was like OH MY GOD THIS SHOW IS AMAZING!!!! Because it was! Also, she attended a basketball experience!
She received the Rock Star award at Black Girls Rock! because DUH! She hung out with Leonardo diCaprio, sparking RUMORS! Drake who!!! She performed at Coachella because desert people are thirsty and the only person who can quench them is Rihanna!!!
She walked the red carpet at the Billboard awards and then she PERFORMED looking like slime green money, and then she was AWARDED and looked like a princess!
Drake and Rihanna held a surprise b-day party for Nicole Scherzinger in London which is BANANAS because did you know they even knew her? I didn’t! Of course they were being so nice!! Anyway she hung out with Drake a bunch that month and partied in London and in WeHo!!!!!
Job number three: Sock collabo!!! Also, the Anti world tour hit Europe and everyone there felt very lucky even though Britain was being meanies and dummies!!!
Because MTV is not stupid they had our goddess perform MANY TIMES during the televised event called the Video Music Awards, and then they honored her for being the most important millennial of our time!
She did “Work” bashment styles with 500 beautiful ladies! Our queen loves to honor women!!!!
Then Drake tried to kiss her but Rihanna was like na na na, na na na and gave him the curve! Haha.
Do you know what time it is? Yes, fashion week, the time when Rihanna makes everyone else feel crappy and badly dressed just by glowing! She launched her Fenty by Puma line and then showed another collection in Paris and everyone was like [SCREAMS]
While CERTAIN pop stars were too afraid to say who they were voting for and shifted the election in Trump’s favor by not doing so probably, Rihanna didn’t give a fuck as usual and wore her Clinton t-shirt on her sleeve, causing a fashion hubbub that still makes waves to this day! #IMWITHHER—RIHANNA, that is!!!!
Also, Oceans 8 began filming, which is a forthcoming Hollywood action picture starring Rihanna and some other ladies!!!
Prince Harry met her in Barbados and he was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH on the inside. Sad!
BABE! DON’T! DO! THAT! But pure evidence that Rihzus is a being made of pure light because she DIDN’T deck Sarah Paulson for touching her hair somehow!!!
Also, BUY RIHANNA’S GLORIOUS MUSIC!
Here’s to a 2017 of doing good, of experiencing wealth and harmony, and most importantly of all, of devoting our souls and lives to the inimitable act of worshipping and loving our selfless queen, the one and only ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY!! GOOD NIGHT!
Correction: This piece has been updated to reflect that Rihanna was the FIRST WOMAN EVER TO GET THE SHOE OF THE YEAR AWARD!!! Jezebel regrets the error y’all!!!!!