Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Diario,

You are the most exqueeeesite, formidable diary; your pages are long and slender like the Venus de Milo and tonight, you have spread yourself open before me like a Roman pros-ti-tute for me to have my way with. TEN!!!

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Hall-o! It is me, Bruno, the fant-astic, shocking, sensuous third judge and I have a little, just a little bone to pick with the Dancing With the Stars producers.

Sometimes in the midst of the competition—the crowd is roaring, the lights are blazing in my face, the cameras swooping around like birds of prey—I get caught up in the excitement. In these moments, I want to reward our beautiful stars for dancing so well in the face of all odds (they are not dancers and have never danced before), that I will write down a score to send to the producers and then change my mind and hold up a TEN!!!!!!!! I love to hear the audience cheer for my ten even if I initially did not think that a given dance would warrant such a score.

Tom Bergeron, that cranky television goblin, has repeatedly scolded me for doing so which I think is discriminatory and authoritarian. Lock me up in shackles in the town square, ABC! Execute me on the nightly news! I am passionate, and that I cannot change.

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It was “Icons” night on the show and the performances ranged from outrageous, magnificent and show-stopping to mild like a slice of white bread. My favorite was Paige van Zant and Mark Ballas, who did a jive so full of hot, sexual power; in one portion they held each other and did three cartwheels—I would like to clutch onto both of them and do endless cartwheels (weenk weenk) into the night. A TEN!!!!!!

This is what I looked like on the inside after that:

And this is what I looked like on the outside:

We have made it to group dance week—this time was boys v. girls which was an unfortunate match-up for two reasons: 1) The men pros fought too much to choreograph a good dance, while the women pros were excellent 2) The white women (with the exception of Paige) were unable to properly dance to Beyoncé. Theirs was a train wreck and I am sorry I wasted a minute of my life on it. The men (team James Brown) were excellent though— A TEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Von (and Witney) and Kim (and Sasha) were ultimately eliminated which I am sad about. Von was a muscly giant that I wanted to climb like an oak tree!!! I said that to him once backstage and he said, “Bruno, man, get the hell away from me.” TEN to his body, TEN to the night, and TEN to the art form of dance!!!

Baci,

Bruno


Image via ABC.

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