Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Querido diario,

Such a joy to come back for the finale and wiggle my butt for Erin Andrews. I know she missed it. She sends me obscene text messages every night.

-Victor Espinoza

Dear Diary,

I did not really reveal my personality on this show.

-Chaka Khan

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Diary,

This show is bull. I had a stroke and now they have me come back and expect me to do my idiotic I Dream of Jeannie dance? Can’t they have me do something that isn’t so humiliating?? Nuh uh, not this strong independent woman. Zolciak Biermann out.

-Kim Z-B

Hey cats and kittens,

What a beautiful night tonight was in the center of Zorbo. My hands felt the electricity of the masses of the angels, singing in a choir meant only for me, but also for us all.

-GARY BUSEY

Diary,

I have been on my best behavior for the past 12 weeks but last night after I waved from that Christmas train, I screamed racist obscenities into my dressing room and then sat on that little Italian pastry Bruno Tonioli.

-Paula Deen

Sup journal,

It was great to be back on DWTS!!! I forgot how lonely I was back in North Carolina. My brother Nash is tryna get me back in the Vine game, but I’m just like, nah. My heart’s in dance now. Get used to it.

-Hayes Grier

Diary,

Sure, I was upset when the producers said, ‘How about you sing a song on the finale and not dance,’ but that’s showbiz, I guess. Haha. I’m better looking than everyone here. Fuck Nick Carter, that smug has-been. Haha, jk, all’s cool with us, bro!

-Andy Grammer

Diary,

This competition is bullshit. I actually should have made it to the finals, and I would have if all of flyover America hadn’t voted war statue Alek Skarlatos into the finals. Fuck.

-Alexa PenaVega

Hey Diary,

I’m not actually sick. I skipped the finale because Val got drunk last week and left me a dozen crying voicemail messages and I cannot deal with that right now.

-Tamar Braxton

Yo, wassup diary?

Sure, I’m sad I didn’t get to go to the finale but I am the only one who actually got work from it! Grease: Live 2016, what what?!!??!?!?! I’m gonna go bone my wife (remember Alexa, diary? She was on the show too!!!) for six straight days!!!! Peace out, Tom Bergeron!!!!!!

Carlos PenaVega

Hey,

I never felt emotions before this show, but I didn’t feel any emotions on this show either. My partner Lindsay was cool. It’s been fun, ha.

Bye,

Alek Skarlatos

Yo,

Wiggedy wassup, diary? Ahh, haha, that was stupid. This has been a freakin’ dope ride. I tried to get the whole cast to sign my blue blazer, but they were like, “Nah, Nick, let’s party, that’s lame.” Haha, they were joking around. I hope we can all still email or whatever.

-Nick Carter

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G’day,

I won. Of course I won. I bet $20,000 on myself to win, odds 20 to 1. I am writing this diary entry from my bathtub filled with Australian dollars. By the way, Derek Hough did some dark shit last night.

Bindi Irwin


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

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