Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”
The light in me recognizes the light in you.
Well, I’ve been asked to withdraw from the dance competition—they asked me by telling me I had been voted out and immediately clearing out my dressing room. Alright, I’ll be honest, I was feeling lousy about it, so I yelled for a producer to bring me a roasted almond, and I cut it up into 4,000 slivers and mixed it with boiling water. Then I drank it all up. I’m so embarrassed!
This week was “Disney Week,” and I played Ariel from the Little Mermaid. I suppose it is a fitting way for me to go since Donald always said “Disney is for whiners and losers.” He was talking about children, and I agree with him.
Getting to rehearse with Tony was wonderful; he was always so patient and kind. Sometimes when I got frustrated in a rehearsal, I would just love to do a cartwheel or pop up into a handstand. It is a good way to relieve the pressure of the competition and helped me get ready to go. In rehearsal this week, the cameras caught me popping up into one of my famous handstands and accidentally shattering a sconce. That was so silly of me! I am such a beautiful silly, loser with a great pair of legs! At least that’s what I’ve been told.
When this diary is ultimately seized by the federal government for inclusion in the Library of Congress, I hope that I will be seen as a wonderful role model for beautiful, empty girls. I have so many lifestyle tricks that are wonderful and help me to feel healthy and ready to take on whatever the day has to offer. For example, don’t eat anything that has a soul (including mammals, flowers, birds, water creatures, most kinds of nuts, unprocessed carbohydrates, liquor, frozen things, bark, fruits, and shade vegetables). In order to determine what size (square footage) home you must live in for proper energy flow, multiply your birth year by your birth month. Marry for money but tell your dear chiropractor you married for his body. Scoop out a little of your brain every day with a melon baller. Love like you’ll never get hurt.
When I got voted off, my only friend and daughter Tiffany said, “I’m so sad that she was voted off.” And I said, no need to be said and that we “have to trust there’s something bigger and better coming up!” And there is: a book advance bigger than God, as soon as I can find a wizard to void this non-disclosure agreement.