Somewhere, Kim Cattrall Is Screaming

At exactly 4:33 PM Pacific Standard Time on September 19, 2019, a piercing shriek held the world held hostage as it slowly grew in intensity and absurdity. Birds dropped from the sky. Trees came crashing down in the forest. Landslides toppled mountains. Great waves rose up and swallowed entire continents whole.

In the aftermath of that apocalyptic scream, amidst the ruins of human civilization, Jezebel has investigated and can exclusively report its likely origin: Kim Cattrall’s mind exploding at the reanimation of the Sex and the City enterprise.

During the launch of her new wine, INVIVO X Sarah Jessica Parker Sauvignon Blanc, part-time sommelier Sarah Jessica Parker admitted that she would like to “revisit” Sex and the City. As ET reports:

“I’d like to see where all of them are. I’m curious, the world has changed even since the movie. I mean, the world has changed so much, technology and social media. They never — which is maybe a virtue too because I would have complicated things even more — so those characters never talked about social media, which I think would be really interesting and just also sexual politics and the #MeToo movement and Time’s Up has really steered conversations about sexual politics, and I think Carrie Bradshaw would just be so greedy to share her feelings and thoughts.”

Despite the unlikelihood of another SATC reunion, the press has not stopped pestering SJP about it for years, compiling her inevitable enthusiasm into a cycle of tabloid headlines designed to provoke Kim Cattrall to attention. In 2017, reports surfaced that Cattrall was the reason behind Sex and the City 3’s demise. Cattrall denied these allegations, claiming she made an “empowered decision” to end that chapter in her life. Assorted former cast members eventually joined the fray, and the news cycle culminated when Sarah Jessica Parker told Andy Cohen she was “heartbroken” that Kim Cattrall had seen her as a coworker. Cattrall, who’s brother had just died, posted a scathing response on Instagram that simply read: “I don’t need your love or support at this tragic time.”

Anyways, an article bearing this information was posted to Entertainment Tonight’s website at exactly 4:33 PM Pacific Standard Time on September 19, 2019—less than a month after Kim Cattrall reiterated that she still had no plans on doing a sequel. So while I’m not going to claim that Sarah Jessica Parker’s comments about an ultimately inconsequential HBO show were heard by Kim Cattrall, who kickstarted a mass extinction event—I’m also not…not…saying that either.

Kim’s publicist, meanwhile, didn’t immediately respond to my request for comment. I’ll update with her response if (or when) she gets back to me.