Taylor Swift Did Not Secretly Buy Her Own Masters From Scooter Braun, Unfortunately, But Will Still Re-Record Them

Despite my very well-thought-out conspiracy theory about the all-consuming powers of Taylor Swift, it turns out she did not pose as a private investment firm to trick Scooter Braun into selling her the rights to her masters. As it turns out, a real company really bought the rights to Swift’s masters for a little over $300 million, and now that the sale has been made public, Swift is doing what she does best: making sure everyone is fully aware of exactly when and how some shitty man did her wrong. We’ve not had something to get senselessly angry about in a long time (at least since Scooter Braun bought her masters in the first place), and truly this is manna from heaven.

On Monday, after Variety broke the story of the sale, Swift hopped onto her Notes app, whipped up a real doozy, and posted it on Twitter alongside a copy of the letter she sent to Shamrock Holdings, a fake-sounding but very real investment company started in 1978 by Roy O. Disney and also owns the songwriting catalog of Swedish superproducers Stargate, which bought “100%” of her masters. But the real hitch in Swift’s giddy-up was not simply that her masters had once again been sold without her prior knowledge, but that under the terms of the deal, Scooter Braun will still be receiving royalties from her masters “for many years.”

Swift even alleges that part of Shamrock and Braun’s deal involved Swift being in the dark until the sale was finalized. Swift wrote that became aware of the sale a few weeks ago when representatives from Shamrock reached out to let her know the sale had been finalized.

The good news is Swift says that she is already re-recording some of her original work and has “plenty of surprises” in store for fans. Whilst surprises are wonderful, I feel compelled to put it out into the universe that it would be a crime against humanity for Taylor Swift to make any changes or surprises to any track on the Red album, which is a perfect piece of work. Please don’t hurt me like that, Taytay.