The Affair Is Back and Everyone's Still Doing a Lot of Boning

The Affair, your favorite show about adult white people fucking each other (and each others’ lives) like they’re sophomores in high school, is BACK, baby—and it seems like everyone’s acting more selfish and dumber than ever!

I don’t know about you, but I first got hooked on The Affair thanks to its copious fuck-scenes with double-bae pecan sandies Dominic West and Joshua Jackson, and occasional full-frontal peen. Also, at some point I expect to be middle-aged and I needed to prepare myself for the inevitable existential midlife crises (multiple) I shall have, which will apparently include diverting from the inevitability of death while humping randos I meet on summer vacation and trying to siphon their youth energy like a vampiric mosquito. That’s what this show’s about, right?

Season 4, from the trailer, looks typically melodramatic, with disgraced novelist Noah Solloway (West) apparently following ex-wife Helen (Maura Tierney) and her new hot man somewhere tropical, and screwing things up with emotions. Alison (Ruth Wilson) is probably gonna break up her ex-husband Cole’s (Jackson) marriage to Luisa (Catalina Sandino Moreno), which is annoying because we are conditioned to feel empathy for Alison but Luisa is the one getting screwed over by Cole’s unrequited love. Also, Noah seems to be hooking up with a new character played by Sanaa Lathan! Wow, adulthood is a fucking blast! At least we have a whole other season of listening to television’s best theme song (by Fiona Apple) to look forward to. This jawn is back June 17 and my inner television masochist is ready.