Pilot Peter Weber lost Hannah Brown’s season of The Bachelorette. He is also not Mike Johnson and therefore does not deserve to be The Bachelor, and yet, he is still your next Bachelor. On Tuesday, ABC posted the first teaser from his forthcoming season, and I’m annoyed all over again. It involves a lot of cavorting around an airplane (duh) but not a single windmill (missed opportunity). There is some sex talk, which is a bit more explicit territory than The Bachelor franchise has been known to traverse, perhaps because Peter is a big nerd whose only claim to fame is having sex multiple times in the aforementioned windmill. “I don’t want this to feel like this is all about sex,” he informs a contestant who has yet to realize he’s a huge dweeb. “but I have been intimate.” Call me “Kit Kat” because someone better gimme a break.
Lesser stans might focus in on the last 30 seconds of the minute-and-a-half long preview when Hannah Brown shows up out of nowhere to allegedly rekindle things with Peter. If her acting wasn’t so wack, maybe I’d believe her. Peter entertains the idea of having her join The Bachelor mansion (so he’s not even willing to chose her? I guess you have to last a full season before making the full-time pivot to Instagram influencer), and then the clip ends. I appreciate the nonsensical plot twist because it makes Peter seem like some sort of bad boy romantic instead of the huge dingus he is. Don’t fall for the fallacy, Bachelor Nation. Brown and Weber were never meant to be!