The Dancing With the Stars Finale Made Me Think of Sex and Death

Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Yo, It’s Me, Hayes Grier,

Bet literally not a soul reading this knows who I am unless you’re under 21 and active on Vine, or you watched the last season of Dancing With the Stars. Background: I am a 15-year-old Vine star (I was born in 2000) who danced with Emma last season. I did alright, you know? But I didn’t win. I’m writing now (haven’t been able to keep up much of a diary since I got kicked off last season, lol, guess life just got in the way) because I was invited to the DWTS finale on Tuesday night, and I went.


I got to sit in the front row and everything. That’s where they seat celebrities and junk, so that was tight. Here I am in the lower left corner looking straight at the camera:

I thought I would go, have a good time, get snuck drinks at the after party, get my buzz on, and go home and have my moms tuck me in. But that didn’t happen, because I got all thoughtful about sex and dying and the passage of time. Deep I know, lol, but give me a chance.

First, my moms only let me do DWTS in the first place because it is a family show, safe for 15-year-olds and 105-year-olds alike. But this finale was, uh, haha. I don’t know. It was hot? Dude, shut up. But, like, Pitbull was there (Mr. Worldwide himself) and he had all the girl dancers grinding on him, and he was flirting with Erin Andrews. And I was like, whoa. I need to be a man. Sex is awesome. And then the girl dancers did a dance to J. Lo’s “Ain’t Your Mama,” and like, I had to go to the bathroom after to... Well, you know, haha.

Second, time. We usually think of time like, “Time to do your homework,” “Time for dinner,” “Time to get crunk,” (haha idk), but I’m thinking of it, like, bigger. Like, Bindi Irwin, the winner from last season, came on to say what it was like to be in the finals with a few other winners. And she tried to say this whole long thing, but host Tom Bergeron interrupted her. It became clear to me and it became clear to her: she was no longer the star of the show. Also, they didn’t even say I was there, which is fine, but, like, just a few months ago I was the show’s baby. I don’t know. It was weird to think that the spotlight is fleeting and whatever idea of fame or success we covet is just as ephemeral as life itself. (Ephemeral? Lol idk, I looked it up in a thesaurus for “short.”)

The final three contestants were Ginger Zee, chief meteorologist for Good Morning America (yo weather is dope, lol) with partner Val, UFC fighter Paige Vanzant with partner Mark, and deaf model Nyle DiMarco with partner Peta. Deaf model Nyle ended up winning, and I think that was good because he is all inspiring and junk, and he seemed really happy. Also, Ginger has a high-profile job in STEM, and Paige has just booked a movie and seems like she has a bright future.


But Nyle? What is to become of him? (Lol that sounds like I’m Shakespeare.)

Bindi thought her life was made after winning, but here she still is, making truncated (lol how do I even know that word) appearances on DWTS, trying to remind America how much it loved her. What does the Mirrorball Trophy even mean? What does anything even mean? What do my Vine followers mean? What is fame and why do we seek it? Why are we here?


Ah, what a sign it is of evil life,
Where death’s approach is seen so terrible!

That’s a Shakespeare quote I found on Wikipedia, but it feels pretty true to me.

I’ve got a lot to think on.



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