In a new Rolling Stone profile titled "The Vampire of the Hollywood Hills" (because what else), a now middle-aged Marilyn Manson, now 45, updates us on the life and times of Marilyn Manson, in the dark, batshit and creepy way only he can.

The very choice language in this rich, rich profile written by Erik Hedegaard (perfect...) reads like pages from American Gothic Tales. It's just as dark and odd as Manson himself. In describing Manson's girlfriend, photographer Lindsay Usich, for instance, Hedegaard writes that she's as "slender as a witch's broom" with "the hair of a raven." Nevermore!

According to Hedegaard, too, Manson "rarely utters unnecessary obscenities and often affects a genteel Southern accent. He's also got a Devon Rex cat named Lily White that has "a delicate smear of Usich's red lipstick on its head" at the moment.

Here are some key passages that prove this interview may well have taken place in a set of coffins.

On having sex on an old beaver rug:

He moves about with easy, spectral grace, fingers fluttering birdlike as he points to what is an old abortionist's chair that he once covered with a beaver rug given to him by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. "I called it Beaver Mountain," he says, "and it's where I had sex with certain individuals that may or may not have resulted in my divorce." Briefly, he thinks about this and you can see further commentary formulating itself in his brain. Wait for it. Wait for it. Here it comes. "Don't fear the beaver," he says.

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On being the chaos:

"I'm chaos, I've always been chaos, my point on Earth is chaos. I'm the third act of every movie you've ever seen. I'm the part where it rains and the part where the person you don't want to die dies. I'm here just to fuck shit up."

On his matching tattoo with Johnny Depp:

"It's kind of a secret. People say to us, 'Why did you get that?' And we say, 'No reason.' " And today he says, "Johnny's one of the only people I can talk to. I can't explain it other than we don't ever have to say anything, but we can't really say it to anyone else, either."

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On ditching absinthe for vodka because:

"it makes you poor and crazy, and I didn't want to end up poor and crazy," and there'll be no more whiskey, either, mainly because "that's how I got a lot of scars on my chest. It makes me very rascally. And ornery."

On his friendship with the aforementioned Depp:

"We like to consider ourselves 12th-graders, the guys with more experience than the ninth-graders, the ones that the girls want to fuck. I mean, time and age are really irrelevant to me. Johnny is the same way. Sometimes, I think I'm trapped in the age that I started this. I'm trapped at 23."

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On avoiding intimacy:

"I'm all forms of crazy, which I think is one of my most charming qualities. It's not diagnosable, because it involves co-morbidity, which is when you have multiple disorders, so they can't figure out what it is... I don't really like being intimate with people. I think maybe twice in my life have I taken a shower with a girl, and that was in the dark. I'm just really shy. I also have a great fear of bathtubs, maybe because my mother used to bathe me as a child and I have fractured memories of just not enjoying it."

On being a sickly kid and later having ear lobe surgery:

"As a kid, I was in the hospital a lot. I was anemic and had pneumonia about six times." He was told he suffered from strange allergies, to things like eggs and fabric softener. He also had oddly long earlobes. He didn't really mind them, but his mother did, and one of the first things he did after becoming a rock star with money was to get them snipped by a plastic surgeon: "People never believe me that I did that, but, see, I wanted to keep them. But that was my mother being the way that she was. It was her suggestion."

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On using a blacklight:

"I have a blacklight flashlight at home, which will show if sperm is on anything, and Lindsay has used it on my underwear to see if I'd done something naughty when I was out. I said, 'Fooled you. I might have changed my underwear. How do you know that I didn't?' She goes, 'Because you don't change your underwear.' I said, 'That is true. Good answer. Good answer.' " Titti is tittering away. And Manson is ordering more double vodkas.

And fittingly, the profile ends with Manson talking crotches:

Usich would come down from the bedroom to say goodbye, but she's not dressed for it. "I'm in my pajamas," she hollers from behind the closed door.

"Are they crotchless?" asks the 14-year-old who lives inside the 45-year-old. Then he says, "Anything can be crotchless if you carry a knife. And anyway, we just want to confirm the five times."

Usich pauses. "Uh, yeah," she says. "It's been much more than five, but yes."

Manson isn't done with her. "So," he says, "I imagine you're probably just nursing your lady parts with a bag of ice right now?"

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Marilyn Manson, ladies and ladyparts.

Image via Terry Fucking Richardson/Rolling Stone