The Virgin Bachelor Jokes Have Arrived and Will Never End

On Wednesday night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live, host Jimmy Kimmel thought it’d be funny to give Colton Underwood, the 26-year-old former football player, recently appointed Bachelor and infamous virgin, a sex talk. This is to be expected, as Underwood’s only discernible personality trait is his virginity, but man is this going to be a long season, and it hasn’t even started.

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Kimmel breaks out anatomical diagrams of a penis and a vagina, there’s talk of a fetus “baby omelet,” semen, condoms on bananas in health class, and a bunch of various antiquated gags.

I’ve never fully understood the appeal of obsessing over virginity except, of course, in the time when I still had mine. But the Bachelor universe thrives in archaic systems, where sex jokes and fantasy suites reign supreme and only the strongest reality TV junkies are immune to its charm. Whatever. Boners are pretty funny, I guess.

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Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

Why do people think virgins don’t know anything about sex? I’m a 35 year old virgin, but I have ears. And there’s this thing called the internet. Also, our media is completely obsessed with fucking. The man’s 26, not 10, and wasn’t raised in a convent. Even if he was, a large enough amount of nuns came into it after colorful lives so they know what’s up.

It’s infantalizing, and I guess I’m just extra sensitive to that for other non-virgin-related reasons.