Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

The trailer for Season 23 of The Bachelor starring The Virgin Colton Underwood (the 26-year-old retired football athlete who’s ready for love after losing it all on Becca Kufrin’s season of the Bachelorette and then again on Bachelor in Paradise with Tia Booth) is finally here.

All of the contestants are quoted as saying strange, borderline sexless things about Underwood, immediately reminding me of fan fiction written by tweens where things are about to get hot and heavy with, like, Harry Potter but it cuts directly to the “morning after” because when you’re 12 you’re unsure how to get down? Normally, this realization would be enough to keep anyone (me) entertained, but now I’m thinking... what if everyone on this season is a virgin? Like, every single contestant, and it’s a full on virgin fest?

The evidence:

Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

“Colton looks so hot. I plan on rubbing oil all over his body.”

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“Ay, Papi, you’re getting me hot. [Giggle]”

Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

“So, I have not dated a virgin since I was 12.”

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a hyperbolic bang brag or what, but these people sounds like bots. The theory holds.

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Or maybe it’s just that everyone’s been programmed to play up the virgin angle as much as possible. “I am a virgin, but it’s just a small part of who I am,” Colton says, though it seems like a big part.

Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

It’s all so stressful that Colton jettisons himself over a gate and out of the mansion at the end of the trailer. This new season of The Bachelor premieres January 7.