Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?

Illustration for article titled Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?
Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

The trailer for Season 23 of The Bachelor starring The Virgin Colton Underwood (the 26-year-old retired football athlete who’s ready for love after losing it all on Becca Kufrin’s season of the Bachelorette and then again on Bachelor in Paradise with Tia Booth) is finally here.

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All of the contestants are quoted as saying strange, borderline sexless things about Underwood, immediately reminding me of fan fiction written by tweens where things are about to get hot and heavy with, like, Harry Potter but it cuts directly to the “morning after” because when you’re 12 you’re unsure how to get down? Normally, this realization would be enough to keep anyone (me) entertained, but now I’m thinking... what if everyone on this season is a virgin? Like, every single contestant, and it’s a full on virgin fest?

The evidence:

Illustration for article titled Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?
Screenshot: ABC/YouTube

“Colton looks so hot. I plan on rubbing oil all over his body.”

Illustration for article titled Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?

“Ay, Papi, you’re getting me hot. [Giggle]”

Illustration for article titled Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?
Screenshot: ABC/YouTube
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“So, I have not dated a virgin since I was 12.”

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a hyperbolic bang brag or what, but these people sounds like bots. The theory holds.

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Or maybe it’s just that everyone’s been programmed to play up the virgin angle as much as possible. “I am a virgin, but it’s just a small part of who I am,” Colton says, though it seems like a big part.

Illustration for article titled Theory: Is Everyone a Virgin on Colton Underwood's Season of the Bachelor?
Screenshot: ABC/YouTube
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It’s all so stressful that Colton jettisons himself over a gate and out of the mansion at the end of the trailer. This new season of The Bachelor premieres January 7.

URL: Senior Writer, Jezebel. IRL: Author of the very good book 'LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands from NKOTB to BTS,' out now.

DISCUSSION

pumpkinandy
Pumpkin Andy is Orange

You know what sex is? Something that people in high school on up have, for better or worse. It's not like some Sacred Event That Is Rare nor is it necessary for people to make a big fucking deal over their "first time". There's something actually creepy about the concept of making it a huge event, at least to me.