There Were So Many Fly Children at The People's Choice Awards

…but did anyone watch them? Empirically, gonna say no cause the entirety of Twitter seemed to be live-microblogging Empire, but there was a preponderance of happenings on the red carpet, upon which many attendees looked like they got lost en route to a Jersey megaclub. Also, REALLY well-dressed children. Also, Gina Rodriguez accepting Jane the Virgin‘s award for Best New Comedy. Also, the music was way better on Empire, but they don’t hear me though. Carrying on…

The lovely Kristen Bell just popped out a kid like, a month ago, so had full recourse to the red carpet in XXL sweatpants accessorized by a half-full bottle of Remy Martin VSOP, Kanye-style, but lo! She elected to not. This structural magenta thingamajig by Monique Lhullier makes her look like Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette 2015, a party of crepe and cupcakes that adds up to a pretty wall of layers around her womb which no doubt needs to RELAX amirite.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia deRossi‘s pants looks were crisp and perfect in their own right, with Ellen donning the ever-popular Stan Smith and Portia doing it up at the MOMA gift shop (actually it’s Zuhair Murad), while Gina Rodriguez, winner of the night and in life, channeled a Jackson Pollack to waft daintily about her person. Ellen Pompeo‘s blush vino-colored Elie Saab jumper is suffering from too goddamn long (can someone seriously get a tailor in these skreets?) but elsewhere the fit and shade are so perfect and elegant that… sorry forgot what I was typing, was rummaging for a glass of rosé.

Anna Faris… psst… I don’t know if you know, but your peplum’s got peplums. She changed her outfit like seven times during this ceremony so I don’t know why the hell this budget wedding cake of a really expensive Juan Carlos Obando two-piece was the one that ended up in front of the step-and-repeat. Sorry girl, love you, don’t ever change, except for this one outfit. In other designer mishaps: Caitriona Balfe, of Starz’s Outlander, is wearing Valentino—VALENTEENOOOO—so WHY is this whole ensemble serving Jaclyn Smith? Is it the footwear? the stance? The hair? I don’t know but something about it feels deeply disturbing. Kelen Coleman, of CBS’s The McCarthys (huh?) is accelerating throwback fashion nostalgia with a zipper dress apparently from 2004. If it were hooded, velour, and Juicy Couture it would have been among the best, but points have been knocked off for the apparent lack of full commitment to the steez. This is not a game, sheeple.

But this is Fifth Harmony:

Somewhere between now and Destiny’s Child and TLC, a demonic spirit was unleashed and began to terrorize the ensembles of all the girl groups, which must always match by decree of The Lord (Disick) and if any less than 2/3s of the group does not look like they are wearing suburban chain-store lingerie and/or the markdowns at Forever 21, their careers shall be hexed for eternity, or until Ryan Seacrest, the most powerful man in the world, forgets their names. And so it was.

Kat Dennings and that other lady* from that crappy show** that is racist look like they are cousins who are forced to sit at the same table at a family reunion but can’t wait til this shit is over so Kat can go smoke a bogie on the porch and that other lady* can go to the club***, for the love of god. The people in photos two**** and four***** are in two different wedding parties, both of which are the longest of their lives, and which will commence in clashing reception ballrooms at the Holiday Inn in which the Laura Ashley pattern will battle the rogue beadwork and embroidery on the bodice.

Finally: it is still beyond me that my total nemesis and dreaded son Giuliana Rancic is allowed to co-host Fashion Police when she is such a perpetually boring dresser but tonight she at least channeled those black oil worms from X-Files and/or The Strain on this goddamn frock. I don’t care who makes it, this dress is fucking disgusting and for that I kind of salute her even though SHE MUST BE BANISHED.

*Beth Behrs

**2 Broke Girls

***1OAK

****Camilla Luddington (William and Kate?)

*****Sarah Drew (Grey’s Anatomy?????????)

YOU GUYS, the children in this equation blew the adults out of the water, fashionwise.

Mom‘s Blake Garrett Rosenthal donned a MINI VELVET SMOKING JACKET and MATCHING VEST with JEANS and I CANNOT. Harlow Olivia Calliope Jane, daughter of Patricia Arquette, pulled the ultimate in kool teen and/or Charli XCX realness with iridescent stompy boots, cat ears, and a choker, effectively stunting on every fool on this carpet who hired the services of a stylist. And Jezebel’s favorite actors in Hollywood, Miles Brown and Marsai Martin of black-ish, were the absolute classiest act in town, plus Marsai showed all these ladies standing in front of cameras with their left legs coyly crossed in front of their right that there is ANOTHER WAY TO STAND and it is a fidgety, potentially kind of nervous but psyched pigeon-toe because you are probably just thinking about candy. The best.