Screenshot: Youtube

The Big Bang Theory is a CBS sitcom about a group of geeky adults that has run for 12 staggeringly long years. In that time period, it has attracted critical ire, many Emmys, and earned its stars million-dollar salaries. But now this show is dying and I, a pop culture critic with a heart made of onyx who has never even seen a single episode, have decided to watch the program weekly to pay my respects—and also roast it to death one last time.

Season 12, Episode 1: The Conjugal Configuration

Summary: Jim Parsons (Sheldon) and Mayim Bialik, questionable feminist, (Amy) have just gotten married and now are on their honeymoon, part of which troublingly takes place at Legoland. While dealing with sexual intimacy issues, they decide to create an algorithm to schedule horny time, which is more fucked up than any plot point in Fifty Shades of Grey. Also, Amy’s parents are bickering around her apartment and neighbors Kaley Cuoco and, uh, *Googles* Johnny Galecki realize they have a surprisingly similar relationship dynamic to the annoying older couple (i.e. Cuoco is a stupid, overbearing bitch, apparently.) Ha. Ha... Ha...

Worst joke: When Amy asks if they can spice up their sex life, Sheldon responds: “Mix it up? Who are you, Betty Crocker?” Ugh, god.

Nerdiest moment: A character gets into a Twitter fight with Neil deGrasse Tyson, specifically over how angry he gets at scientific inaccuracies in movies. The man himself makes a cameo and then Bill Nye makes a cameo. Pulling out all the stops for Season 12!

What I learned this week: That Kathy Bates is on this show?! That Jim Parson’s eyebrows are surprisingly well shaped?!

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Did I laugh?: No.

How dead is this show?: When I leaned into The Big Bang Theory for a hug, it hoarsely whispered, “Please take care of Young Sheldon for me.” So, not dead yet.