Screenshot: CBS

The Big Bang Theory is a CBS sitcom about a group of geeky adults that has run for 12 staggeringly long years. In that time period, it has attracted critical ire, many Emmys, and earned its stars million-dollar salaries. But now this show is dying and I, a pop culture critic with a heart made of onyx who has never even seen a single episode, have decided to watch the program weekly to pay my respects—and also roast it to death one last time.

Season 12, Episode 11: The Paintball Scattering

Summary: The Big Bang Theory was on vacation for a few weeks, but is now back with a vengeance for an episode on relationship trust issues. Shocking, I know, that these characters could have such problems.

First, there’s Amy and Sheldon, whose new paper is a smash. But Caltech wants Amy to give all the interviews about the paper (for obvious reasons) and Sheldon is hurt that he’s been sidelined. Then there’s Stewart, who runs away from Denise after she says she’s looking for a roommate, hinting the two should move in together. Eventually, he gives her a key to his place, which still feels like a cop-out for a grown ass man. And after Raj installs a security camera on Anu’s front door he catches a random man coming inside, which she later explains is her ex-boyfriend. Offended Anu would still be friends with an ex, he blurts out, “I don’t even know you!” and the two wonder if they should even get married. Jesus Christ, get it together.

Basically, it was an episode of Big Bang Theory male characters acting like children. Oh, and half the episode takes place at a paintball game Penny chose because she likes to make men cry.

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┏┓
┃┃╱╲ In this
┃╱╱╲╲ house
╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love
▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
Penny from The Big Bang Theory
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Also, at one point, Sheldon and Amy debate whether they should read the comments on their paper because “people online can be so mean.” For a second I wondered, is this a dig at snotty critics like myself who love to rip on the show? Would the characters crawl out of my television like Samara from The Ring and murder me in my own apartment? But the comments were positive. Booooo.

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Worst joke: Raj is designing the floral arrangements for his wedding and calls himself “a groomzilla,” and the laugh track spikes. I’m not totally sure why it’s so funny that Raj likes typically feminine activities like knitting or taking photos with his dog, but it’s a joke the show keeps making.

Nerdiest moment: Sheldon drinks his champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.

What I learned this week: That I did not miss The Big Bang Theory over the break, during which I spent my time falling asleep in front of old seasons of Top Chef and screaming at the characters in Dirty John (Connie, he is scamming you!!!!!!) But work is work, and I need to pay my bills to feed all my husbands and wives at my free love commune upstate, and so here I am, typing up my thoughts on TBBT.

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Did I laugh?: No. I’ll take a lie detector test, just try me.

How dead is this show?: I can’t read suddenly... I don’t know.