We Will Pay Post Malone $37.18 to Not Perform at Justin Bieber's Wedding

Post Malone, a man whose stage name rhymes with Moist Trombone, is really happy for his friend Justin Bieber’s engagement to Hailey Baldwin and eager to be included in their wedding. So eager, in fact, that the rapper told TMZ he would love to perform on their special day, and that “fuck yeah” he would do it for free.

That would be hard to beat, if Bieber were make Post such an offer. But I’d like to try: the Jezebel staff would like to offer Post Malone $37.18 to just go to the wedding and not perform. Guests don’t need to hear the sounds of “White Iversooonnnn…. When I started ballin’, I was youuuungg” while dining on poached trout and russet potatoes at the wedding party. Or Post could always skip the wedding! Whatever he’s most comfortable with, so long as he stays away from the stage.

Playing for one of your best buds on the day he solidifies his commitment to the woman of his dreams is certainly an attractive opportunity—but $37.18 can go a long way in this economy. You could get a Brita pitcher. At least a dozen goldfish (not that I would recommend that). A jade face roller might be a little tight with tax, depending on your state, but you could squeeze it with $37.18. You can’t get these slippers with $37.18, but you can get these slippers. The possibilities, in a way, are endless. All we’re saying is: think about it, Post. Think about it.