What Britney Spears Sounds Like

Britney Spears’s ninth studio album, Glory, is out today, and a return to the ebullient, ear-candy synth pop that is her wheelhouse. It’s pretty good, actually! Spears has never sounded so comfortable or present on record. In fact, she may be too comfortable at times. The sonic freshness Spears’s producers provide is often second to what her own larynx produces. I have never heard many of these sounds come out of a human body before. I never thought I’d see the day when Britney Spears’s aptitude for vocal interpretation was so apparent, so...avant, even.

She reminds me of many things on this record—cool animals, babies, various women in danger. Below is a list of some of the things Spears sounds like to me with a corresponding sound clip underneath. Have fun.

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A fly with a cold

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A CD being fast-forwarded under water

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A gentle goat wearing sunglasses

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An elderly woman pleading to a disinterested stranger

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A disinterested stranger responding to a plea

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A moderately sexy baby

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A Brit(ish) Brit

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A crooked finger gliding along the nape of a neck on a thin layer of slime

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Gwen Stefani, but as a Muppet Baby

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R.E.M.

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(Just kidding)

A child wrapped in a curtain wearing a towel on her head, pretending to be 18th century French aristocracy

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Someone who’s nervous because she can’t seem to find her car in the mall parking lot, and she thinks she’s being followed, and oh my god, the footsteps behind her are getting louder!!!

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I don’t know what she is, exactly, but she’s got both thumbs up, her leather jacket on, and she’s feeling high off that beer

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A white rapper who doesn’t care if you can tell he’s white, thank you very much

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Oh wait, that’s just G-Eazy.

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About the author

Rich Juzwiak

Some Pig. Terrific. Radiant. Humble.