What Is the Met Gala? A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled What Is the Met Gala? A iReal Housewives of Salt Lake City /iHoliness Ranking
Screenshot: Bravo

My faithful flock, gather close to me. The devil has truly been trying us with this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, and it absolutely unnecessary cliffhangers taking place in the middle of parties and luncheons. In this church, “to be continued” is just an ugly, ugly word and I rebuke it in the name of Bravo.

This week was also a bevy of group-committed sins so instead of going person by person, every member of the group will be docked one point for gossiping about Meredith’s separation except for Mary and Lisa. Everyone loses a point for gossiping about Jen when her Gatsby party meltdown was clearly a cry for help and everyone loses a point for drinking the Dom at Mary’s party. You know, the one with the good grapes even though a few thousand people died? So just so we’re all on the same page, not a single housewife is starting off with the usual five halos today. Heaven help us.


Jen, the Muslim from Tonga who really loves her friends

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I remember where I was emotionally on the one-year anniversary of my father’s death and so I want to give Jen some leniency; however, she is an adult, and while this is a difficult time, the Good Book provides guidance on how to pull through. Jen already lost a point for her Dom along with everyone else, so her alcohol bender at the prohibition party will go unmarked this one time. The cursing and bragging about the amount of money she spent on Meredith’s birthday party will be marked, as the bragging of good deeds nullifies them altogether. Our reward is in heaven, Jen!

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Mary, the Pentecostal who loves Christmas and the Met Gala

😇

Now despite cries from the masses, I cannot call Mary’s misinterpretation of a “Met Gala cocktail attire luncheon” a sin. I tried, I leaned on scripture and I prayed on it, but there simply is no holy law against having no taste. Being rude to a party planner with comments like “do you know how to read,” however, is against Biblical teachings, as is alcohol consumption. And once again, Mary does herself no favors by wearing those diamond earrings, which consistently knock her down a peg.

Whitney, the ex-Mormon who does not want to get dressed up at noon

NO HALOS EARNED

Whitney has accomplished a holiness ranking first, losing all of her halo points thanks to her participation in group sin and repeated cursing. If Whitney didn’t have the tattoos, which have her permanently starting at four halos then she could have scraped by with at least one. Do better Whitney. I believe in you.

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Lisa, the arrogant Mormon

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Lisa had a surprisingly great episode and was incredibly supportive of Meredith when they had the conversation about Meredith’s separation. But the issue of Lisa essentially having no storyline because she is just a New York copy of Meredith, is that she’s getting less and less camera time giving me less and less opportunity to observe her sin. Get in the mix, Lisa!

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Heather, the two-time winning Mormon

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Heather had a pretty decent week despite participating in all of the group sin. She re-earns a halo for being the only person who extended a shred of mercy to Jen and actually asking her what was wrong instead of just gossiping and calling it a day. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter because Heather was also swearing like a sailor this episode, which is surprising considering she usually just says “F” or “freakin” instead of going full-on fuck. Wellness check on Heather.

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Meredith, the definitely separated Jew

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Meredith seems to have mastered the art of not saying anything when nothing needs to be said. Not a particularly useful skill for a Real Housewife but great for a real person. In one scene Meredith is wearing a camel-colored coat with a white sheer top underneath it. Now if I know my fabrics, the best assumption is that the coat was wool and the shirt was some sort of chiffon. This should be a point against Meredith but, alas, there’s no certainty that she was violating shatnez. I’ll catch her someday. But for now, her quiet disposition makes her champion by the skin of her veneers.

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Thus concludes this week’s edition of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: Holiness Rankings.

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DISCUSSION

afrosamuress
#2 Headband

Is anyone else confused by Mary’s accent? Yes, she’s from NY, but I’ve never heard that exact accent. Even the way she says “tequila” is weird.