What The Fuck Even Is Blindspot? An Explainer From Someone Who Has No Idea

Have you seen the trailer for this new show Blindspot that premieres on NBC tonight? No? Can’t watch it at work? Don’t worry, I’ll watch it for you and give you a quick rundown of what the show might be, might not be, is, isn’t, and could be according to the ad.

Okay, so obviously there is a tattooed lady. The trailer starts out with a a duffel bag being found in Times Square. So, obviously, this show is going to be the Hurt Locker, but for girls.

Nope, wait, the bag has a tag on it that says “Call the FBI.” So this is going to be Law & Order, but with the FBI.

Wait, hang on a second, not so fast. Here comes the bomb squad. So it IS going to be Hurt Locker but for girls!

UH-OH, THE BAG JUST MOVED. IT’S ALIVE.

The bag unzips itself. A naked tattooed woman climbs out of it like it’s a giant birthday cake. Now we’re getting somewhere.

CUT TO: A lady introducing two men, one a doctor, one is a special agent. The special agent peers at the tattooed lady who is now in an interrogation room. He says he’s never seen her, but his name is tattooed on her back!

The words “A MIND ERASED” flash across the screen. The doctor character explains some shit about how her narrative memory has been destroyed but her “procedural” memory is in tact. A LIKELY STORY. So this is Memento—but for TV. Got it.

Her fingerprints are not on file, but, like, neither are mine, so that’s not that weird. And facial recognition software can’t find her either, but, again, big whoop?

HOLD YOUR HORSES: All of her tattoos are brand new. Now we’re cooking with gas. AND one of her tats is in Chinese and SHE CAN READ IT OUT LOUD, HOLY SHIT SHE KNOWS CHINESE. It is an address, aka “a clue.”

“What if I’m not just the messenger? What if there is something I’m supposed to hear? Or see?” she asks. We’re getting a little off track here, lady.

She has a Navy Seal tattoo. That’s cool.

A woman presumes the tattooed lady might have been Special Ops. Then we see the tattooed lady karate chop the hell out of some dude. She knows Chinese AND karate.

She and the FBI dude hug. You know what that means. ))<>((

He assures her everything will be okay and then posits that she could be the “most important resource we’ve ever had.” Why, because no one else at the FBI has ever known Chinese and karate?

WAIT A SECOND: Some kid is going to blow up the Statue of Liberty! Running! Explosions! Smoke! The tattooed lady has a gun and she shoots it!

Fade to black.

Fade to not black. “This is just the beginning.” No shit, Sherlock. The series hasn’t even started yet.

Finally, the tattooed lady beats up a knife-wielding Asian man in a stairwell, and the words “BLINDSPOT Mondays this fall” appear on screen.