Screenshot: Netflix

Netflix released a teaser trailer for Season 3 of Stranger Things on Sunday, The Los Angeles Times reports, revealing the names of the episodes but like, not much else.

I haven’t watched all of Stranger Things, but I have watched some of Stranger Things. (I definitely saw all of the first season and one or two episodes of Season 2.) Here’s what I think is going to happen, based on that knowledge.

Spoilers! Perhaps.


We begin with the episode titled “Suzie, Do You Copy?” Suzie’s got the other walkie-talkie, but where is Suzie? Her friend, the one who’s the cool teen girl from Season 1 doesn’t know. She asks Will and his friends, who also have boy names, if they’ve seen her. They have not.

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They ride their bicycles to Eleven’s house, which also happens to be Sheriff Not Jeff Bridges’ house, as he is her dad now. She says, “Go away, I am a regular girl now,” and slams the door. Will turns to Frank?, Pat?, and Terry? and shrugs his shoulders. They all shrug back. The one played by Gaten Matarazzo something says “Where’s the beef?” Remember that? I love that commercial. The boys all sigh, then Gaten sighs. The boys all shrug and look at each other. Gaten joins in. Then they go to the mall. There’s no cliffhanger.

While at the mall (Episode: “Mall Rats”), Patrick? sees something strange floating around in the Orange Julius machine. It looks like a rat… but rats don’t look like that. It winks at him. He screams. The cool teen girl, who is there on a date, is startled. “It’s just a rat,” says Suzie, the dorky teen girl who works at Orange Julius. “Shut up, shoesie,” the cool teen girl says. She is ashamed to be friends with Suzie because she is a nerd who can’t buy new shoes. She doesn’t want her boyfriend to know they are friends. I will write a personal essay about interclass dynamics in teen girl’s friendships using Stranger Things as a peg. I will make $75. I will not be paid until I invoke the Freelance Isn’t Free Act in the 14th follow-up email to my editor.

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Back to Suzie. She has neon blue eye shadow and a silver lamé headband. The gays will love her! The rat thing murders her 20 minutes later. She was a lifeguard. Now she’s dead. But no one knows she’s dead. They all think she’s missing. (Episode: “The Case of the Missing Lifeguard”). Everyone feels bad, but not bad enough to do something. They’re too busy waiting in line for Back to the Future at the local cinema. What a great movie. Always nice to remember a great movie… I love revisiting it like this. The theater concession stand is selling milk cartons with Mary’s face on ’em. Cool teen girl, who is Will’s sister I forgot to say earlier, buys one but pretends to be fine when her date asks her what’s wrong. They watch the movie, which is fun for them and fun for us. It’s a great movie, and it is fun to revisit it like this. Will ruins her date with his Talk Boy. Remember those? Then everyone goes to the sauna. (Episode: “The Sauna Test”)

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Is Winona Ryder still on this show? Let’s say she is. Someone leaks poison into the sauna grates, which is how saunas work. Winona Ryder runs into the locker room, jangling towels, yelling about how she knows where the poison’s coming from. She knows the source. (Episode: “The Source”) She leads them into the sauna’s back room, which is where they keep the sauna pump(??), and she shows them how there’s a black hole to another dimension underneath it. Or maybe a warp point. This feels too similar to the Upside Down, and that’s because it’s back. Only this time the aliens(?) have wings like in Tremors and can be rats. One of the rats scampers up to Will and Winona. He spits up a finger wearing a ring that reads, “I SUCK.” It’s Suzie’s ring, and, thus, Suzie’s finger. It’s also the rat’s birthday. (Episode: “The Birthday”) The rat, which is an alien(?), bites Patch(?) on the foot. “Hasta la vista, baby,” says the character that the actor kid named Gaten something plays, just like in Terminator. What a great movie… I love revisiting it like this. Anyway, the rat bit the kid. (Episode: “The Bite”) Now, the kid has 30 minutes to live unless he drinks an Orange Julius. That’s why the rat thing was in the Orange Julius. It all makes sense.

The kids and Winona bike back to the mall, which is called Starcourt. (Episode: “The Battle for Starcourt”) They make the kid drink the slush. He’s fine now! Girl teen takes sheriff’s gun and shoots the aliens(?) that followed them there. (Aliens followed them there.) “This is for Suzie,” she yells. Her date is disgusted. “I can’t believe you were friends with a nerd,” he says, taking back his letterman jacket. “Hasta la vista, baby,” girl says at him before shooting him, just like Terminator. What a great movie… I love revisiting it like this. No one liked him so sheriff doesn’t care. They all go out for hamburgers. Gaten kid says, “Where’s the beef?” They laugh. Eleven walks in. They stop laughing. “Where’s the beef?” she asks. They laugh. Then we laugh. That was fine.

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This will all definitely happen when Season 3 premieres in 2019.