When Are We Confronting Mary? A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled When Are We Confronting Mary? A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking
Screenshot: Bravo

Last week I made it abundantly clear that if Mary was going to continue hiding in her bedroom-turned-closet and refuse to interact with the other women or, really, any other human being aside from her relative/housekeeper, I was going to take drastic action. Henceforth: Mary Cosby is no longer in the running for holiest housewife and all previous halos earned have been rendered null. This was a difficult decision but as head of the New Jersey Archdiocese of Housewives, it is my responsibility to do what is best for our community of faithful. It behooves us all to send prayers up for Mary and ask that the good Lord and Andy Cohen do not allow this woman to return for a second season.

Also, as another little housekeeping note, all of the housewives have been preemptively docked one halo for attending the hypnosis session with Kimberly Friedmutter. Although Kimberly did not overtly channel sinful deities, there were a lot of non-Godly statues in her home and I’m sure some interpretation of all the good books mention surrendering your subconscious to a hypnotist is blasphemy-adjacent. Better safe than sinful!


Jen, the Muslim convert untethered from reality

NO HALOS EARNED

I mean, honestly, we all saw the episode. The rage, the denial, the straight-up lying, the green suit. Sin upon sin upon sin upon ugly green suit. As much as I show favoritism to Jen, even I cannot be diluted and so I will not grant her any halos this week. She does however earn my sympathy, as it’s becoming more and more evident that Jen is struggling with an issue either in her marriage or her personal life and it’s just spilling over into her relationship with the women.

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Heather, the Mormon who has had enough of Jen’s bullshit

😇😇😇

I am really proud of Heather, who finally stopped letting Jen just walk all over her this week. Granted I’d prefer she did it without all the cursing, but you know it’s about time someone honestly looked at Jen and said, “You’re the one who fucked up.”

Lisa, the Mormon who might be winning me over

😇😇

Lisa was great this week? While I’m not sure how long it will last, Lisa was incredibly quick to forgive Whitney after they had a talk and seemed prepared to move forward without issue. Very Christ-like. But Christ didn’t drink a beverage called the “Porn Star Margarita,” so you know she’s not all the way into heaven just yet.

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Meredith/Brooks, the Jewish family that is setting the record straight

😇😇😇

Finally, we now know that Meredith was in fact dating other men while she was separated from her husband Seth. Now, even though they both agreed to the separation, according to Meredith’s rendition of events, it was not a legal divorce and heretofore them seeing other people is, you guessed it, adultery!

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Whitney, the ex-Mormon behaving like Mary’s puppet

😇😇😇

Along with preaching the gospel of Bravo I have decided that I will now preach the gospel of Whitney’s innocence until my death, or at least until something more interesting happens. While I think it’s important Whitney realized that she was wrong for spreading misinformation, it still baffles me as to how and why Mary has gotten off scot-free. Whitney didn’t lie about anyone, she simply repeated faulty information. The real villain is sitting at her home only going to her closet and kitchen. When is someone going to pull up on Mary!!!

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DISCUSSION

pumpkinandy
Pumpkin Andy is Orange

I just ... I mean...

Whitney is a goddess, Jen has incredible bone structure, Meredith is fabulous, and Lisa is working a Heather Dubrow attitude. They’re fun. Mary is a weirdo, of entirely indeterminate age, mumbles, and seems grift-y with that church. Jen is just a loud, angry mess. With that awful green outfit.