When Dr. Pimple Popper Encounters the Biggest Cyst and Milia She's Ever Seen, We Encounter Hell

Illustration for article titled When Dr. Pimple Popper Encounters the Biggest Cyst and Milia Shes Ever Seen, We Encounter Hell
Image: TLC

Since we didn’t dry up and die like a popped lipoma after watching the first episode of TLC’s deliriously gross new series Dr. Pimple Popper, we’re back to chat about what the hell is going on in episode 2 and what it’s doing to our constitutions. Join us if you dare.

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Megan: Ugh. The world’s largest lump. Fuckin’ kill me.

Rich: As usual, this is as extreme for Dr. Pimple Popper as it is for us. The biggest, the grossest, the pus-iest.

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Megan: I have already gagged and that was just the credits.

Rich: Was it at, “Sometimes it smells like mold?”

Megan: It was when the person was squeezing shit outta their body.

Rich: This is really coming at me fast. A 49-year-old airline crew member named Ronen has a big lump above his left knee that he describes as looking like a piece of dough.

Megan: I actually can’t look at Ronen’s lump without feeling intensely uncomfortable, which is also how he feels I’m sure….

Rich: I can’t help but watch this and think it’s going to happen to me. No one had any idea they’d have a lump and then one day, they had a medium pizza’s worth of dough under their skin.

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Illustration for article titled When Dr. Pimple Popper Encounters the Biggest Cyst and Milia Shes Ever Seen, We Encounter Hell

Rich: He wears shorts!

Megan: You have to let it breathe!! Is it rude of me to say that if it were me, I’d put googly eyes on it?

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Rich: No, I think that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about his lump. He keeps talking about his lump like it’s a dick. “Bigger than average.” “It’s a big monster.” Oh and now Dr. Pimple Popper says, “I have never seen anybody with a ball like this.” They’re trolling us.

Megan: They are trolling us. My eyes are watering now? “What’s in here? Is it liquid or is it solid.” IT’S A CYST. “CYST FRAGMENTS.”

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Rich: The name of my forthcoming ambient album.

Megan: The Biggest Cyst I’ve Ever Seen: A Memoir.

Rich: Do you think when she said, “Get this cyst out of your system,” she thought of it as “cyst-em” in her head? Oh great, “That’s like oatmeal.”

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Megan: I gagged. I almost threw up. Richard, I scared the cat.

Rich: It’s a bit early in our chat to include my roundup of food metaphors used to describe growths and/or their constituents, but I’m going to do it here so people can see the oatmeal flow.

Rich: This week’s metaphors also included: silver skin on tenderloin steak, spoiled cheese, and a pinto bean. :)

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Megan: That was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen.

Rich: “All this is is skin cells”...and demons!

We move on to Amber, a 37-year-old radio DJ from Ada, Oklahoma, with the chronic skin condition known as hidradenitis suppurativa.

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Megan: Wow, this actually sucks.

Rich: She’s going to be okay.

Megan: Doctors are rude to women!!

Megan: Excuse me, Rhonda, her stepmother. Rhonda, bitch, you try living with this shit!

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Rich: To be fair, it is graphic.

Megan: Aw I’m gonna be so happy when this woman no longer feels hideous and pus-y.

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Rich: I know, this is where the real good of Dr. PP shines through.

Megan: Yes! Because she does actually listen to people, when other medical professionals are like, “You’re disgusting go away, stop eating Doritos,” which is so rude, classist, sexist, probably?? Sizeist!! I don’t know.

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Rich: I don’t care if this is propaganda, I totally believe that Dr. PP is one of the best people in the world.

Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper cares and she loves her clients! I used to think she was exploitative. She is still probably exploitative, but TLC’s framing is making me think that she cares.

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Rich: It’s like, “One for you, one for me,” at worst.

And now, we meet Sandy, who has a growth on her neck that she has named “Tommy the Tumor.”

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Megan: You know after seeing Ronen’s softball size cyst, I am immune to everything else. Tommy the Tumor is only the size of a golf ball. Bring it the fuck on!!!!!!

Rich: “It’s like a little eyeball of fat.”

Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper is fingering it. I want to die.

Rich: “When I’m probing deeper in the neck area, I am trying to use non-sharp tools.” Same again.

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Megan: Yas, fibrous lipoma!! It’s really fucked up that the doctor is just digging in there so close to her NERVES.

Rich: I am actually the closest I’ve ever been to feeling faint while watching this. I hate nerve stuff the most, I guess.

Rich: Wow, Dr. PP did not get the whole lipoma out. A rare miss.

Megan: But she at least was like, “She needs a diff doctor!!” Oh no, Kristy.

We meet Kristy, a 48-year-old Texan with a “pinto bean” shaped growth on her eyelid.

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Megan: This is gonna kill me, I’m pretty sure.

Rich: Oh my god, I have a white dot on my eye.

Megan: Wait you do?!

Rich: Her eye smells. That’s...not usually how that works. I’m really feeling thin-blooded now. I have a really hard time with eye stuff.

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Megan: MILIA.

Rich: Not just milia, THE BIGGEST MILIA. My favorite Elliott Smith song.

Megan: This poor woman.

Illustration for article titled When Dr. Pimple Popper Encounters the Biggest Cyst and Milia Shes Ever Seen, We Encounter Hell
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Rich: I have milia. This is going to happen to me.

Megan: You do?!? By your eye?!?!??!

Rich: I’ve HAD THEM ON MY EYELID!!!

Megan: Omg, she’s free!!!!

Rich: It looks like Dr. PP is removing an eyeball from Kristy’s eyeball.

Megan: Everyone’s okay!! It’s over. I feel relief.

Rich: I didn’t pass out or throw up or die, today is going great.

Megan: I almost threw up and I think Icried off my mascara and I scared the cat twice.

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Rich: I have to go eat breakfast but...I don’t want to.

Megan: Whew BREAKFAST. I ate before this. It was yogurt.

Rich: I’m going to have...oatmeal.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

Some Pig. Terrific. Radiant. Humble.

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westerosironswanson
The Ron Swanson of Westeros

Some days you’re Ron Swanson. Some days you’re Tom Haverford.

If I watched that program? It’d be a Tom Haverford day.