Where Was Hot Pie???

Illustration for article titled Where Was Hot Pie???
Screenshot: HBO

The people wanted more Hot Pie, and I for one was hoping that in the Game of Thrones series finale, we’d learn the fate of our favorite Westerosi baker, who, in his entirely too limited appearances throughout the show, charmed legions of fans with his pithy sayings and his delicious baked goods.


Alas, the idiots in charge, who have clearly never recognized the genius of the orphan baker or the endless possibilities of his story arc, decided to not even give us a glimpse of Hot Pie at the Inn at the Crossroads. Even Robin Freaking Arryn showed up in the finale, but no Hot Pie??? Tyrion, in his speech that helped crown Bran (Bran, who has repeatedly reminded us that he isn’t even human anymore) the next king of Westeros, repeatedly said that it’s stories that unite us. You know what actually unites people? Baked goods. It should’ve been Hot Pie on the throne at the end—a common man who has shown considerable character development and whose first act in office would obviously have been Bread for All, a much-needed policy in a world that’s unfortunately still dominated by aristocratic families.

But there’s still time to fix this, HBO—a spinoff series devoted to Hot Pie, where he can finally play the leading role he was meant to all along. I can’t wait for the Great Westerosi Bake Off!

Senior reporter, Jezebel

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Slut Panic

Who cares about that? Who was the guy between Edmure and Sam? Was that Howland Reed? The one guy that had something to say this whole fuck ass time?