Who Doesn't Have an Emmy?

The 2018 Primetime Emmy nominations were announced on Thursday morning, confirming that Sandra Oh is fantastic in Killing Eve and that we all watch way too much television. But the usual guessing games surrounding “Who will get that Emmy?” can quickly devolve into “Who has not gotten that Emmy?”

Well, for one thing, not a lot of actors, actresses, writers, or showrunners of color. (Sandra Oh is the first woman actor of Asian descent to be nominated in her category). This factoid is especially suspect when you consider that, if you’re a random television crew member working in LA, it’s actually fairly easy to win an award. In the words of my coworker Rich Juzwiak, “They give out so many Emmys, just wait around for a bit and you’ll get one, it’s not even that big of a deal.”

This is because the Emmys (both Daytime and Primetime) not only have categories like Outstanding Comedy Series and Outstanding Lead Actress In a Drama Series, but also:

Outstanding Multi-Camera Picture Editing for a Comedy Series
Outstanding Sound Mixing for a Limited Series or Movie
Outstanding Interactive Program
Outstanding Original Interactive Program (emphasis mine)
FOUR DIFFERENT costume categories based on GENRE (Contemporary, Period, Fantasy/Sci-Fi, and “Variety, Nonfiction, or Reality Programming”)
Outstanding Commercial

You get the idea: The Emmys have all the technical categories as the Oscars, times 10. Add in the fact that television shows run for multiple seasons, and it’s no wonder the Television Academy has been handing out these awards to a certain subset of the industry like free candy. And while it’s great to give credit where credit is due–especially to the talented but under-appreciated behind-the-scenes folks in television–it also means it’s possible to receive seven Emmys for, say, filming a daytime gameshow for a decade. Or being a low-level student coordinator. Or editing the animated segments on a late-night show. Or whatever.

So now it’s time to ask: who else doesn’t have an Emmy?

Your dog

Your dog does not have opposable thumbs, so your dog probably does not have an Emmy.

Bowser

Bowser absolutely fucks, but does not have an Emmy.

Meghan Markle

The Duchess of Sussex and former Suits star does not have an Emmy, but her dad has two.

Queen Elizabeth II

The royals do not have time!!

Xenomorph

Despite being a gay icon, the Xenomorph does not have an Emmy.

Cashews

Cashews do not have Emmys. They don’t know how to act!

Emmy (Armenian singer)

Emmy, who represented Armenia in Eurovision 2011, does not have an Emmy.

Joanna Newsom’s Ys

Joanna Newsom’s seminal 2006 record does not have an Emmy.

This Pikachu with bangs

This Pikachu with bangs does not have an Emmy, and she is not here for your oppressive bullshit.