Windswept Hair and Shawls Galore at the Daytime Emmy Awards

The 42nd Annual Daytime Emmy Awards aired last night, bringing with it the usual crush of self-styled soap stars with perfect hair and vaguely recognizable faces.

This year was a veritable sea of black dresses, a generally flattering choice for THEM but an annoying obstacle for US, as it is difficult to make fun of a gown that you can barely see. Chrissy Teigen was there, of course, in a down-to-there tuxedo-dress, unbelievable shoes, and…a bump-it? And of course I will be leading with Eileen Davidson, my Beast Qween and the most sensible, matter-of-fact woman to ever earn the title of Real Housewife. Eileen, who won the Daytime Emmy last year for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series (Days of Our Lives), is rocking a so-so black sequined gown that’s just a hair too tight, with an unnecessary hem and terrible shoes. But those earrings are perfect, and she is giving us 100% Gold Medal Face.

Let’s get a close-up on Chrissy’s shoes, shall we?

YIKES. I mean, they look amazing with the dress, but her left leg is fully turning purple. These look tortuous.

More black: well, kind of—we’re starting off with hawt couple Brian Craig and Kelly Thiebaud, aka Morgan and Britt on General Hospital, and…actually, they might be wearing navy. Whatever, they look great. Moving on to MELODY THOMAS SCOTT who looks like a FREAKING GODDESS in this weird half-belted minidress. That windswept mug!!!! Regal as hell. Lastly, we have Reign Edwards, who stars as Nicole Avant on The Bold and the Beautiful. Her head looks great, but while the texture of her dress is lovely, it’s styled pretty poorly and I hate the bottom half. When Will Sheer Be Over?!?!?!

Even more black dresses: Aisha Tyler looks cute, if a little country club/bridesmaid-y; Days of Our Lives’ True O’Brien (seriously, what is with all these dramatic Irish names?) looks pretty fantastic in this stretchy semi-caped creation; Tyra Banks is standing out in the crowd—an accident, I’m sure!—in this cool geometric jumpsuit.

Skintight fishtail gowns on Jacqueline Macinnes, Jen Lilley and Jennifer Garais. Jennifer Garais’ boobs look incredible, it has to be said! Not so for Jen Lilley, but by no fault of anatomy—her gown has this unflattering breastplate thing going on; the dress, upon closer inspection, is trying a lil’ too hard.

Shawl Lovers Unite! Days of Our Lives’ Lauren Koslow is giving us some IDGAF glamour, but Mary Beth Evans and Melissa Claire Egan both look kind of crazy.

Solid colors were big last night, with varying results: I love Kelly Sullivan’s vivid periwinkle gown, whereas Liz Hernandez’s baby-pink ensemble falls flat (and appears likely to fall open at the slightest breeze). Nancy O’Dell wears some variation of this gown to every red carpet, and I’ve made my peace with that; however, I would feel a lot better about it without the peplum.

All-white ensembles: Karrueche Tran looks a little sad/deflated in this bizarre faux-verall contraption; Melissa Reeves looks terribly pleased with herself despite that horrible skirt; and Days of Our Lives vet Suzanne Rogers is absolutely working this layered, billowy look.

Dierdre Hall, Gina Tognoni and Sunny Rogers are all working with a fitted, blue-y theme; Dierdre is…well, very Daytime Emmys, while Gina and Sunny look genuinely awesome.

Sparkles! Here comes Charo, in a teeny-tiny dress that still manages to not quite match her crazy; next up is Haley Pullos, and we’ll give her a pass for being sixteen; lastly, the hottest couple in the house: Paloma and Jason Thompson, who, like almost everyone else in this post, I’ve never heard of before. But look how smoking they are, you guys!

And thus concludes our annual coverage of Hollywood’s least important awards show. What do you think? Were the shawls on point?