Love Island ‘Hideaway’
Image: CBS

The American reboot of the hit U.K. television show Love Island, which, from what I can tell, is a messier and more spray tanned version of Bachelor in Paradise, premieres Tuesday, July 9 on CBS. In honor of the momentous occasion, CBS has shared a sneak peak of what the villa will look like for the sexy singles looking for lust, love, or something in between. I find the decor to be a teen dream set in 1986, but if I’m feeling the person I’m with, I’d probably be fine with fucking there. The question is: would you?

Image: CBS

What you see before you is “the hideaway,” a private room where lucky couples could get some one-on-one time. Would you participate in intercourse there? I’d have to remove the pink faux fur throw, and anything with human anatomy (the eye pillow, the lip art, the face vase), but I can’t imagine this is an easy place to get in the mood.

Image: CBS

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How could you ever fuck in a place with so many sharp items? Gratuitous design objects with points perfectly positioned to enter orifices or create their own, depending on how violently you crash into them? Do Love Island participants get health care?

Screenshot: CBS

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Only the bravest souls could take a trip to bone town in the common living space (at least the beds are big enough for two!) which boasts neon lights that offer such affirming messages as “Hello Gorgeous” and “Sweet Dreams.” According to Entertainment Weekly, in the U.K. and Australian version of the show, text art read, “Banging,” “Seduce,” “Tease” and “Bed Hop.” 

Image: CBS

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At least there is less opportunity for injury in these spaces? For what you sacrifice in privacy, you make up for in comfort.

Of course, this is a hypothetical, intellectual exercise, but I think my answer is... I definitely would not have sex anywhere in, on or around Love Island.