For those of you who have not yet seen Game of Thrones, whose final season is clearly the TV event of the decade, here is a quick summary before it premieres this Sunday: A bunch of families want power after a rich family bamboozles them out of the kingdom via incest. A slew of these families are bloodily slaughtered, including children and your favorite characters, while a bunch of other hapless motherfuckers run around with giant dogs. A short magic lady hatches some dragons in a fire. Some ice motherfuckers want to eradicate humans. A child becomes a psychic, via birds. More people die, more incest. It looks cool. Miguel Sapochnik is the best director.
More importantly: In Game of Thrones, mad people fuck, which is partly why we have, for several years, called our series of weekly blogs about the show “Game of Boners,” because there are so many boners. (There were, in the first few seasons, quite a few instances of rape on-screen, which Jezebel wrote about extensively; in the latter half of the series, probably spurred by wide outcry, the depiction of this has thankfully been less egregious to nonexistent.)
But there were also a lot of characters, in this last decade, who did not get a chance to fuck, and now they only have six episodes left to do so. Something tells me it’s going to be a hard go for them, considering the story must conclude with much killing between the ice motherfuckers and the human people—but there’s still time to wedge some shit into Episodes 5 or 6. I trust that David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, feckless showrunners, have the mettle to do this, and since they didn’t enlist me to write on this season (if Dany doesn’t turn into a White Walker and Jon isn’t made to kill her because of it, it’s a MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO USE MY STORYLINE), I’m just going to put my wishlist out there for free.
- Arya and the Hot Guy from Skins — You know Arya’s been sweet on Gendry since like Season 2, when she was posing as a peasant boy and Gendry was flexing his sweaty, dirty arms to forge swords like a deleted blacksmith number from Magic Mike. She’s an adult now, and hardened by death and murder, but who better to warm her many-faced heart than brave royal bastard and super-fast runner Gendry! Alternately: If Arya just wants to continue her descent into stone-cold assassin, that’s fine, she don’t need these hoes.
- Yara Greyjoy and the Sand Snake Mom — I know they are both withering away somewhere in a dungeon prison beneath the Red Keep, but Yara and Ellaria Sand were about to put it down before stupid Euron Greyjoy stormed their boat, and I have been feeling like they deserve a second shot. Perhaps some benevolent dungeon master/Russ Meyer fan will unleash them so they can find comfort in their imprisoned arms, or maybe—hopefully!—someone will free them and they can fight the White Walkers, side-by-side, before their inevitable last kiss before they both croak. Who said this show wasn’t romantic!
- Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister — Cersei will obviously have to be dead as fuck for this to happen, but maybe Episode 6 will set Jaime free and allow him to pursue his personal Knight Bae.
- Brienne of Tarth and Tormund Giantsbane — But also, Brienne of Tarth has gone through so much bullshit—I believe one of the first things Jaime said to her during the initial hours of their acquaintance was “You’re even uglier in the light”—and she deserves so much better than Jaime’s incestuous, smart-alecky ass! Tormund Giantsbane is obviously mesmerized by his beautiful big woman, and while she seems to find this distasteful, I believe it is because she is so used to being treated like shit by men that she cannot immediately acclimate to feeling worshipped. Brienne, we’ve all been there. Let loose and let Tormund work his wildling magick ’pon your mons!
- Brienne of Tarth and Tormund Giantsbane and Jaime Lannister — Go hard or go home.
- Hot Pie and Whomever He Chooses — Hot Pie is so good at making hot pies that he really deserves some loving, because while his hot pies are not underrated, Hot Pie himself definitely is. Let Hot Pie have some sex.
- Bronn and Whomever He Chooses Before He Inevitably Dies — As we all know, Bronn has been boning his way across Westeros for the duration of this series, so I must admit this is not an altruistic addition. This is mostly because I think Bronn is hot and Bronn stans deserve another Bronn sex scene.
- The Night King and Jon Snow — Not because I believe this could advance the story or would make any real sense, but think of the fantasy-kink possibilities! You could do a whole spin-off, and they definitely have more chemistry than Jon and Daenerys, plus they are not even related. (Actually, they might be related; we just don’t know. But fuck it, all the freakier!)
This is not the extent of my wishlist, but these are the most immediate and obvious. Benioff and Weiss, please holler.