On Monday night, two Jezebel staffers with varying degrees of encyclopedic knowledge about the modern Bachelor universe watched the second episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor. The wine was poured, and the virgin jokes were flowing. This is their story.
Maria: I attempted to count all the “virgin” mentions in Monday night’s episode but lost track when Colton started “telling his story” of the time some dude in an NFL locker room asked him how many women he’s slept with, and he said “zero,” mostly because he didn’t know what number would constitute a respectable lie. I can honestly say no friend has ever asked me how many people I’ve bedded, but I guess I’ve never befriended an athlete. It also seems like I would’ve had more success had I counted every time Colton called a woman “confident.” He was really tryna be some kind of feminist hero last night. I blacked out when Heather, the liar, told Colton she was not only a virgin, she had never been kissed and he responded with “You have self-worth.”
Lisa: I know Colton said after the premiere that the virginity storyline would stop being so played out, but I think we have to accept that Colton, like Never Been Kissed Heather, is a liar. Perhaps they’re perfect for each other.
The episode opened with Colton doing a selfie-style video from his bed, which is probably the franchise’s way of preparing to pivot to YouTube if it ever finally gets canceled by ABC. I’d like to say I’ll stop tuning in once The Bachelor is reduced to a vlog, but who am I kidding.
I certainly will keep watching if they have the same kind of guest stars as yesterday. When iconic power couple Megan Mullally and Nick Offermann (sporting a haircut I can only assume is inspired by the Instagram egg) came on screen, I screamed. They don’t belong here, but also I need them to come back every week. Mom and dad ran a group date where the women had to talk about significant firsts (wink, wink), what did you think of their stories?
Maria: Megan and Nick were great, wholly out of place, and I can only assume, compensated handsomely. I thought the ladies’ stories were pretty decent—ranging on genuinely funny to overwhelmingly sentimental (I only think Colton prefer the latter genre, he almost lost it when Hannah G. used the line, “You gave me the most meaningful rose I’ve ever received,” which is a subtle brag at anyone who has never received roses. Me.) Tracy’s story about getting punched in the face and then fucking a recently un-virginized dude in college was funny, and Elyse’s thing about Alaskan cougars was good, too. I respect Demi for jumping off stage and kissing Colton, though he seemed uncomfortable the entire time and later played it off as though she was just expressing her “confidence.”
I’m dying to hear your thoughts on 23-year-old Demi from Dallas steamrolling over Catherine as this week’s villain.
Lisa: Demi’s kiss was a power move and I respect it. Hotdogger has game and seemingly no shame.
I feel like Demi’s villainous tactics are going to get so boring, since she’s coming on so strong from the jump. She’s extremely hung up on everyone’s age, calling Elyse “brave” when she admitted to being in her 30s and constantly picking on the (barely) older women in the house. (Although, when I heard that anyone over 27 lives in a room called the “cougar den,” I got an idea for the Bachelor spinoff I actually want to see. Someone get Courtney Cox on the phone.)
The other women were so disturbed to see her handling the rose without permission, I’m starting to think it’s a metaphor for his dick.
Demi also got in trouble during the night portion of the group date for touching the rose before Colton officially gave it out. The other women were so disturbed to see her handling the rose without permission, I’m starting to think it’s a metaphor for his dick. Consent is key, Demi! Don’t touch anyone’s flower before they agree to give it to you. He ended up giving it to Elyse, which I loved. Very “brave.”
His first one-on-one was with Hannah B., Miss Alabama of this season’s Miss USA drama, and it was excruciating. Colton did not want to be on that date!
Maria: Ahh, yes, the rose-as-dick metaphor. Somehow by touching the rose, Demi has deflowered Colton… or something. We’ll keep working on that one.
It is extremely unclear why he picked Hannah B. for the first one-on-one date—even more so when the date actually happened and was so uncomfortable I considered flipping to Vanderpump Rules. They rode horses and jumped into a hot tub—classic Bachelor shit—but things didn’t really get going until they met up for dinner and she opened up… by asking Colton why he’s a virgin. I expect he’ll have to answer it every episode. He told her, “My virginity is one of those things ended up with and I’m glad I did,” clarifying that he was taught to wait until marriage as a kid and then as an adult was like, “Nah.” That was my theory from last week! I speak virgin!
It was nice to see them, you know, not sit in silence, but when Hannah B. finally started talking about herself, I felt like we were watching abstinence propaganda. She, almost on the verge of tears, told Colton she feels like she can never be “perfect” because she slept with someone she was in a long, committed relationship with. She also called herself a “hot mess” because she cannot “give” her future husband her virginity. Someone send her home, please, my brain is dying.
What did you think of the second group date, and the summer camp theme?
Lisa: If Hannah is a hot mess because she isn’t sexually pure for her future husband, I am Satan. Embracing it.
I’m not sure why Colton, a professional athlete, chose to work out in jeans during the second group date, but maybe I just don’t understand sports. The second group date was also where we found this episode’s other completely out-of-place guest star, Billy Eichner. Billy told Colton that he should double-check and make sure he isn’t actually gay before locking it down after just one boning session with whichever woman wins the show, which is frankly the most insightful relationship advice Colton has been given thus far.
The summer camp theme, as you mentioned while we were texting last night, is so obviously virginal. I was secretly hoping ABC would pull a fast one and it would end just like the movie Sleepway Camp. Alas, he gave that group date rose to Heather, seemingly the only woman on the show he has not kissed yet.
I don’t remember the names of anyone he let go of during the final rose ceremony, which I guess means that he made good choices. Overall, it was a mediocre week seriously lacking in Catherine.
Maria: Colton was so awkward when Eichner joked, “Maybe we have the first gay Bachelor.” He laughed it off and looked at the ground, which reminds me of how boys in, like, junior high would react to things they weren’t totally comfortable with. My advice: figure your shit out, Colton. You should not be getting married?
Unlike last week, this week’s eliminations were pretty whatever. I am still shocked Nina’s around, and that there were actual tears from women leaving the mansion. You’ve known this dude for like seven days. Maybe they’re all just sleepy, hungover, and happy to be heading home?