We’ll miss her kindness. We’ll miss her food metaphors. We’ll miss her splash mask. Join us as we say goodbye (for now) to the single most disgusting series in the history of basic cable, Dr. Pimple Popper.
RICH: This episode is called “An American Tail.” The twist is that bump is not a lipoma OR a cyst... it’s Fievel!!!
MEGAN: That’d be nice. Maybe.
RICH: No wait, it’s Linda Rondstadt singing Fievel’s part. (Until this moment, I had totally missed the gender swap in the film-version-to-pop-version translation of “Somewhere Out There,” by the way, which for Dr. Pimple Popper is neither here nor there, but it is somewhere... out there.)
We meet Taylor, a 22 year-old woman with Lizzie, a lipoma located in the general area of her butt crack.
MEGAN: Oh no, Taylor’s butt lump… is… unfortunate.
RICH: Her lipoma has a first name; it’s O-S-C-A-R. Just kidding. It’s Lizzie.
MEGAN: “A slight discrepancy with my butt.”
RICH: That phrasing makes it seem like she got her butt out of the irregulars bin.
MEGAN: She seems very comfortable with her butt thing. I feel for this girl though. I feel for all the pimpled people who need their shit popped.
RICH: Her father is crying! Rare to see a grown man crying on TV; rarer to see a grown man crying over his daughter’s lipoma on TV.
MEGAN: He loves his daughter!! Do you think that naming the things makes people less wiling to get it removed?
RICH: Maybe it makes having the things easier for people who don’t have the television production budget to get it removed?
MEGAN: I guess it’s making light of a shitty situation. Regardless, Dr. Pimple Popper will fix this….
RICH: If Lizzie gets removed is Lizzie still Lizzie?
MEGAN: This is the worst part, I think? Having Dr. Pimple Popper squeeze your ass lipoma on television.
RICH: So this bump has been with Taylor since her early years. “It’s a childhood mystery,” like that Bobbsey Twins book, The Case of the Butt Lipoma.
Dr. Pimple Popper postpones Taylor’s procedure so she can figure out what the fuck is going on.
MEGAN: I’m sad! I wanted Taylor to no longer have her ass thingie. But I don’t know, “Come back another day,” is better than nothing.
We meet John, a 45-year-old man who lives in Hawaii and has a growth on his right hip that looks like a boob.
MEGAN: It does look like a small breast. He’s very chill about it regardless.
RICH: And it shows in his gentle jiggle. It’s reminiscent of that which Diana Ross performed on Lil’ Kim.
RICH: “My goodness, you’re so pretty,” he says upon meeting Dr. Pimple Popper. Shut up, John. We know she’s pretty. She’s also a genius and otherwise perfect human being. Highlight that.
MEGAN: Mmm, I don’t like when she pushes it.
RICH: At least she got consent: “May I touch your boob?”
MEGAN: Wait, so he’s blaming this on alcohol… ?
RICH: And eating.
MEGAN: Like the alcohol goes straight to the side breast. Why do I not have a third bosom that holds all my vices?
RICH: I’m sorry, there is indeed a question as to whether or not this qualifies as an actual breast? Sayeth Dr. PP: “I don’t think it’s actually a breast, but I’ve seen some crazy things in my career, so you never know.”
MEGAN: Yeah that is… insane?
RICH: This is like an existential question. A breastisential question, I guess. What makes a boob?
MEGAN: Oh thank GOD it’s a lipoma.
RICH: “I’m concentrating I’m not spazzing out” —John while Dr. PP is injecting him-slash-me while watching this show. “Fibrous connections” is a terrible phrase!!!
MEGAN: EW THE SQUEEZING.
RICH: “Your boob is out!” And it only took minor surgery. Now John has become another grown man crying on television on the same show. Postpartum?
MEGAN: Aw John!
RICH: “I usually keep a lot of that close to my chest,” says John. That’s ironic for a boob that was growing off his hip, but well crafted.
We meet Noelle, a 29 year old from Ohio whose ears are stretched from years of wearing wide-gauge plugs.
MEGAN: Ear stretching!!!!!! A freakin’ blast from the past!!
RICH: I have wondered about how that practice would go on to complicate people’s lives. And now I’m learning yet again. Thank you The Learning Channel, you have lived up to your name once again (I never thought you stopped).
MEGAN: My friend’s ears are stretched just a teensy bit, and she just like wears little plugs in them that are open and then strings earrings through the holes.
RICH: Her putting her fingers through her ears makes me only moderately less queasy than seeing a half cup of cottage cheese pouring out of someone’s body.
RICH: I mean, wait, this is just about her holes? The holes didn’t fill with oatmeal? The holes don’t have teeth? The holes haven’t sprouted keloids that look like little bean clip-on earrings? They’re just... holes?
MEGAN: Yeah, I want fluids.
RICH: How do you pop a hole?
MEGAN: I mean I also want Noelle to get her shit fixed. Maybe there’s a secret pus pocket that we’re not seeing.
RICH: Well Dr. PP says she’s “pretty darn good” at fixing earlobes, so I guess Noelle has come to the right place
MEGAN: Hmm, a lesser-advertised part of her practice.
RICH: A Dr. Pimple Popper deep cut, you might say. Oh wait, that doesn’t work.
MEGAN: She’s an incredible woman, a renaissance woman.
RICH: She can turn a lipoma into chicken breast.
MEGAN: I really don’t understand what’s happening here, earlobe wise.
RICH: Me neither, and it’s gross now.
MEGAN: So she has to make a new wound it seems? And then stick the new wound to her ear lobe… to avoid the Galadriel ears?
RICH: I cannot believe she is just cutting strips out of Noelle’s earlobes.
RICH: “It’s like Tetris,” is how Dr. PP describes the reconfiguring of an earlobe.
MEGAN: That’s one way to think about it!
RICH: It’s like that bonus level when you HACK SOME RUSSIAN EARS UP.
MEGAN: Fuck!! Her ears are ears again and she doesn’t look like an elf.
Now Taylor’s back to get treated or find out that she has to keep Lizzie forever.
MEGAN: I’m worried about Taylor’s butt bump. Oh no, she has spinal dysraphism. Wait, if this is what she has, it is insane that this was undiagnosed for so long??
RICH: Her spinal cord didn’t close completely straight! Someone should have told her that!
MEGAN: A lipoma in her spinal cord.
RICH: I feel like Dr. Pimple Popper has to do EVERYONE’s job for them. She is literally the only competent person on earth. Her fingers are going to get so tired, if they aren’t already.
MEGAN: “Part of your spinal cord stuck to the edge of your spinal column...” The lipoma is like a part of her. It is a part of her essence.
RICH: Lizzie sings to Taylor: “...I’m part of you indefinitely...”
MEGAN: Wait so the lipoma stays forever? But she’s gonna try to make it so her buttcrack looks okay?
RICH: A workaround. Like it or lump it? How about both...
MEGAN: She’s gonna do some light skin adjustment, so like a facelift for the lipoma.
RICH: “You know we’re behind you 100 percent,” says her dad. And Lizzie... silently.
MEGAN: Lizzie is there forever, I think.
RICH: A hundred percent.
MEGAN: “Debulking” is how she’s describing this procedure. There’s a moment in this process when Lizzie looks like a taco.
RICH: This is... just trimming fat. An anticlimactic finale for Dr. PP. I really thought we were going to get to see her remove a basketball this time. It’s the finale!
MEGAN: This girl’s butt looks so much better!!
RICH: “It’s like J. Lo right now,” says Dr. PP. Is it?
MEGAN: Wait, it’s not thrilling for you that this woman is seeing her buttcrack for the first time? I am thrilled for her!
RICH: “It’s a cute crack.” What is this show?
MEGAN: The best show. Wait, the updates. Noelle’s ear!!
RICH: Noelle looks amazing.
MEGAN: Wow, everyone actually looks incredible.
RICH: None of John’s friends want to fondle his hip anymore. Poor guy. And now Taylor can moon people. Literally, she is highlighting this feature as an example of how Dr. Pimple Popper has improved her quality of life. It all worked out for everyone!
MEGAN: It’s over!!!
RICH: Wow, we made it. I would like to echo Taylor’s parting message to Dr. Lee: Thanks for giving me my life back.
MEGAN: I will never look at cottage cheese the same way again.
RICH: I will never look at TV the same way again. If pus isn’t flowing with the strength of a mudslide, a show simply isn’t doing all that it can.
MEGAN: Hm, I’d respectfully disagree here!!