Ariana holding her microphone up to the Jezebel staff because she wants to know what we think
Image: Getty

You might know that Ariana Grande, pop princess, alleged future wife of Pete Davidson, has a new album coming out. It’s going to have that one song on it, the one nobody can understand. Yes, that one.

The new release is called Sweetener. “It’s kind of about bringing light to a situation or to someone’s life,” Grande said during a Tonight Show appearance. “Or somebody else brings life to your life. Sweetening the situation.” Somebody else perhaps named Pete. (There’s apparently an ode to “Pete” on the album.)

To be honest, Sweetener is not the best name for an album. Here’s what it makes us think of:

  • Splenda
  • Artificial
  • Clinical
  • Grocery stores
  • Ariana’s start-up, like Uber for ponytails
  • A Grindr exclusively for white girls who sing “soul”
  • A kiosk at your local mall that sells costume jewelry for prom
  • A kiosk at your local mall that sells bedazzled phone cases
  • A kiosk at your local mall that sells glitter hair extensions and you always pass by and think for a second about getting them so you can look like Adrienne Maloof from RHOBH but then quickly drop the idea
  • A dating app for people who get married in four days
  • These ice cream bars that taste like “bubblegum”
  • A teen code name for Molly on an episode of SVU
  • Breaking Bad, because Stevia factored in prominently
  • Breaking Bad, because it makes us want to say “shut up”
  • How it should honestly should just be Sweetn’r
  • Or perhaps Sweetr

Sweetener is rumored to be dropping July 20.