'Fifty Shades Freed' Made $38.8M This Weekend Because None Of Us Are Having Enough Sex, Probably

Fifty Shades Freed raked in $38.8 million in North America this weekend, making it the number one film at the box office on the continent. This is not the least bit surprising, considering what box office juggernauts its predecessors were.

Still, it is noteworthy that the Fifty Shades movies are about 0.001 percent sexy. That is about the same level of sexiness as, say, brushing your teeth with an 18-month-old toothbrush, or reading a pamphlet on rare eye diseases. Neither of those things are sexy, nor is the Fifty Shades franchise, but somehow the latter’s made over $1 billion worldwide.

I have decided that there are only two explanations for the financial success of a purportedly sexy film featuring two people with the sexual chemistry of a pair of Giant Pandas (pandas do not like to have sex). One is that all the ticketholders are getting drunk together and going to see this movie so they can scream at the screen every time Jamie Dornan un-sexily takes off his shirt (likely!) The other is that since Americans are, on a whole, having less sex, because we’re apparently too busy doing stuff on the Internet to find people to bone, that watching Dakota Johnson lick ice cream off Dornan with the same enthusiasm I reserve for cleaning my bathroom is now hot.

It is also possible that no one wanted to see Clint Eastwood’s new terrorism film, which also debuted this weekend, and is apparently not very good.

Anyway, for those of you who do not feel compelled to purchase a ticket to this final Fifty Shades installment, note that the whole trilogy will probably be streaming on HBO Now soon enough.