'Girl, Why You So Thirsty For Love': A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Brethren and sistren, I speak to you today not from my pulpit nor from my pastoral desk, but from my rusting clawfoot bathtub strategically placed in the New Jersey countryside for optimal outdoor soaking. I am speaking to you from this sacred and special place because if we seek to be understood it is necessary first to understand.

I long, most ardently, to understand the absolutely circular and fruitless conversation between Whitney, Heather, and Jen. I also wish to understand why it needed to take place in a tub in what appears to be the desert region of Utah. Alas, as much as I enjoy projecting my thoughts from the tub in which I am currently seated, my quest for understanding has not reached its conclusion. I shall soak here until divine enlightenment finds me but in the meantime, let’s reflect on the sins of others.

As usual, Whitney cannot help but have a little drinky drink in every single episode. Although if I had to put up with these women in order to make some money, I too would take every opportunity to imbibe. Other than that, Whitney once again finds herself participating in sinful idle gossip, and in an interesting twist, Whitney also participated in some light-hearted idolatry by attributing mystical powers to the spa she went to in the desert. Sure it was a joke, but there is no room for humor when one’s eternal soul is on the line.

Jen, is she ever going to convert to Islam fully?

When oh when will Jen join me on the path of righteousness? I am growing impatient—which is, of course, sinful in nature. Anywho, Jen’s dealing with the source of her rage, which seems to be her own husband and the death of her father. But before Jen managed to gently and tearfully unload on Coach Shah, she took that anger out on Heather, Whitney, and a camera that was too close to the splash zone. Self-control and self-discipline are incredibly important in Islam—there’s an entire month dedicated to the discipline of human urges—and if Jen plans to truly shed her Mormon chains and don the proverbial veil, she’s going to need to learn to keep herself in check when she gets hangry or otherwise perturbed.

Heather, the Mormon who just wants to be a treasured friend

How long is Heather going to blame everything on her life on her marriage and subsequent divorce? Perhaps I am insensitive because I’ve yet to be divorced but come on lady, find something new to talk about. Also what’s up with Heather saying “girl” 700 times this episode? Is this an imitation of Jen or a general imitation of how she thinks women of color speak? Can’t be sure but since saying “girl” frequently isn’t a sin, Heather will just have to atone for her alcohol use.

Lisa, the Mormon who is over absolutely everyone

Lisa, who agreed to be on this show, now believes that she is too good for her castmates, except for her twin Meredith. As such Lisa threw a very strange tequila pairing party for her friends that are not on the show and Meredith. It was boring and lasted 1 second but the food looked pretty good. Lisa lost a halo for trying to use sage to cleanse her space—only Holy Father can do that, obviously—but got that halo right back when she sat in judgment over Whitney’s inappropriate twerking in front of other people’s husbands. She must be reading my blog.

Mary, the notably absent Pentecostal

Mary has been suspiciously absent over these last two episodes yet still manages to be at the center of the drama even though she doesn’t appear to be leaving her closet. My theory which is founded mainly on internet gossip is that Bravo is showing less and less of Mary because someone somewhere is going to drop the hammer on Mary’s entire charade and Bravo doesn’t want to be left holding the bucket of a woman who is possibly running a large church scam. Either that or Mary is about to go balls-out in the next few episodes and the producers are just lulling us into a false sense of security. Either way, Mary had one major sin this week when she uttered the line, “I don’t say anything that’s not true.” This is obviously a lie because everyone lies and the only person who reportedly has never lied is Jesus Christ. Mary should know better than to subtly liken herself to the big guy upstairs.

Meredith/Brooks, the very dull Jewish family

By default of being incredibly boring and Brooks making no appearance on this week’s episode, the Marks family wins the holiness ranking. Mazel tov.