Hello, I'm Here to Ruin Your Childhood For You

Hello, I am a television executive and I’m here to give you some great news. Remember that character you loved as a child from that show you would watch after school? Yes, the plucky one who you cheered for because you would imagine yourself being smart and brave and going on adventures with her instead of crying in front of the whole school when Matthew M said you got your winter coat from Goodwill. You loved her, right? Well we’re bringing her back and guess fucking what? We gave her the same constellation of mental illnesses you have too!

Isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t it relatable that rather than a boring old villain like an evil scientist or a sorceress what she really battles… is her own trauma??? HER OWN TRAUMA. I knew you would love it. Just like you’re going to love the new live-action Powerpuff Girls where they are grown up and bitter and resentful.

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You’ll also enjoy the new Scooby Doo property where we dig into the origin story of Velma, who is a teenager but of course has a gritty origin story. The only crime she can’t solve is who killed her parents and left her to rot in a Romanian orphanage all those years ago!

Did you know that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he suffers from acute agoraphobia after being abused by his mother, who told him he was no better than a piece of garbage? Bet you will be fascinated to learn that Loonette only spends so much time on her big comfy couch because her SSRIs stopped being effective. Penny’s relationship with her Uncle wasn’t as innocent as you may have believed, and she still cries out “go go gadget call to social services” in the darkest hour of night.

I’ve got all this and more ready for you to enjoy as you sit alone in your home and feel absolutely nothing, barely able to recall the child you once were, who was silly enough to believe in things like good and evil. Start making popcorn.

Brandy Jensen lives in New Orleans with her two dogs.

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DISCUSSION

It’s from the CW, so it sounds like they’re trying to recapture the Riverdale magic. I don’t think it will work, though, because A)it’s fucking Powerpuff Girls, and B)they already tried this with Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and it didn’t work.