Hip-Hop Comes to Utah: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled Hip-Hop Comes to Utah: A iReal Housewives of Salt Lake City /iHoliness Ranking
Screenshot: Bravo

A lot has happened since this prayer group last convened. A new year has arrived, a coup was staged, and two episodes of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City came and went without a single shred of judgment being passed from the imaginary altar upon which I sit. Terrible, I know. I can only pray for forgiveness and pledge to be as vicious and vigilant as I possibly can going forward. Let’s not waste another second and get straight to the sin counter. In fairness to the ladies of Salt Lake, today’s halos will be doubled to a maximum of ten so they have a full set of five chances to not disappoint Holy Father per the episodes that we’ll be covering today.


Heather, the cowardly Mormon

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Heather will start some drama but you can be damn sure she will not finish it because once shit goes left, Heather is going right to a hiding place so she can later claim that she wasn’t fully involved in the drama. I love this look for her because it really shows just how perfect she is trying to be, but also how she wants to ensure she is involved in every possible storyline imaginable. The reality is that there is nothing interesting going on in Heather’s life and if it weren’t for the fact that she divorced a well-known figure in the Mormon community, she wouldn’t even be on this show. Other than that, Heather had a reasonable two episodes sticking to her usual sins of drinking and gossiping.

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Whitney, the twerking ex-Mormon

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Just like her cousin Heather, Whitney is trying to secure a place for herself on the show long-term and is doing so by being the classic “spoon that stirs the pot” non-villain who just repeats what others say in an effort to maintain innocence but still spark drama. It’s a crucial role for any show and you can’t ding her for the good work she is doing. However, I can ding her for all the cursing, drunkenness, and lewd sexually charged behavior she exhibited at Jen’s party in a room full of devout Mormon and Muslim people who were not enjoying her rhythmless twerking. The handstand was cool, though.

Jen, the Muslim with anger issues

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It is growing increasingly difficult to root for Jen when every single thing that happens to her turns into a giant event. Girl, what are you mad about when you are rich and supposed to be filled with the peace that cometh from the Lord? Clearly, Jen lost a buttload of halos for her antics at her husband’s birthday party and her incessant need to talk about Meredith and her marriage but she did manage to salvage a single halo when Coach Shah revealed that on their first few dates, Jen was accompanied by chaperones which she said was just a cultural thing to test her future spouse but is also incredibly, incredibly Muslim.

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Lisa, the Balenciaga Mormon

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If I have to hear about how well-connected Lisa is in the state of Utah because of her liquor brand or because of all her Sundance work, I think I’m going to vomit. It was very interesting to see Lisa defend her ownership of a liquor company while still being a devout LDS member when Coach Shah brought up the question of religion over dinner. While I applaud Lisa’s assertion that what really matters is a personal relationship with God, that just simply isn’t how Mormonism or the LDS church operates. If it were just about personal relationships then ex-communication wouldn’t be the immense threat that it is in the Mormon community. Nice try though.

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Meredith & Brooks, the fashionable Jews

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Meredith and Seth seem to be patching things up and yet Meredith doesn’t want anyone to know they’re getting along well just in case she’s wrong about it. Seems weird, but if I were friends with some of the vapidest creatures in Utah I wouldn’t tell them anything either. On the other hand, young Brooks seems to be slacking in the Ten Commandments department, as he repeatedly dishonored his father and mother, mocking them across both episodes for whatever reason he saw fit. How’s that line of sweatsuits coming along, Brooks? The family also broke the rules of kosher eating by consuming fish and meat in the same meal.

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Mary, the invisible Pentecostal

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Mary was hardly in either episode and is the winner by default. However, the five minutes she was on screen was more than enough time for her to brag about her inherited wealth, act rudely toward her housekeeper who is also her cousin, and start spreading the rumors of everyone being afraid of Jen. Do I really believe that Lisa and Meredith went out of their way to have a phone conversation with Mary about their innermost feelings about Jen? I believe that about as much as I believe that Mary is happy in her marriage.

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DISCUSSION

penguinlust2electricboogigloo
PenguinLust2:ElectricBoogigloo

I still can’t tell the difference between Lisa and Meredith until a family member or other interaction makes it apparent.

I think I am getting closer to the secret to identify them which is Meredith has an uneven botox application and kind of looks like she has Bells Palsy or has had a minor stroke.  IMO