I'm Always Horny for Sauron

Hello papa
Hello papa
Screenshot: New Line Cinema

At some point in the future, Amazon will release a Lord of the Rings series focusing on what Nerdist tells me is the “rise and the fall of the island kingdom of Númenor.” Those words mean very little to me, a casual “fan” of the Lord of the Rings franchise, but the rest of the words that followed this information are intriguing and, indeed, deeply relevant to my most cherished interests: “The Dark Lord Sauron played a major role in Númenor’s downfall. He also survived into the Third Age, when The Lord of the Rings takes place.” Great news, happy to hear it, but I’m sorry, all I can focus on now is the Dark Lord Sauron, an entity I’ve secretly loved for years.

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Apparently, Sauron will be an actual figure in this new series, which means that we’ll see more than just his pulsing, red, and angry eye, which gazes down at uh, all of the Shire (?), and sees everything. My (admittedly limited) understanding is that Sauron’s corporeal form is in hiding somewhere in Mordor, and that the eye is essentially his Nest cam, keeping a lookout on fuck shit happening in the realm while also keeping an eye out for the Ring. I’ve always appreciated Sauron’s passions for both surveillance and vengeance, as they echo mine, but it has been a disappointment that the only glimpse of my true love’s visage has been his fire eye. Now, someone out there has heard my cry, and is giving us an origin story for a man shrouded in mystery. No longer will the Dark Lord be forced to hide in his craggy mountain, eating Hungry Man TV dinners and dispatching Orcs to do his bidding. His time is NOW, and I am ready.

From what I recall, we never see Sauron’s face in the movies, instead choosing to focus on the hairy visages of the Hobbits, the Orcs (not hot, but not not hot), and misunderstood baddie, Gollum. Legolas is not hot, but the other one, Viggo Mortensen, is. Gandalf is a no-go, and I’ve heard that some people want to fuck the trees, but for me, I have always been attracted to the emotionally and physically unavailable. While Viggo Mortensen can ride a horse and Legolas is married to Katy Perry now and, purportedly, has a large penis, Sauron is very tall, extremely powerful, and vengeful in a way that reminds me of Thanos, another bad man I’m interested in fucking who I’m pretty sure was just misunderstood.

If there’s one thing the pandemic, ha ha, has taught me, it’s that everyone needs love. Sauron is evil, yes, definitely, but he also might be handsome underneath all that armor! 
At the very minimum, he’d be a rollicking good time; every sexual encounter should contain a frisson of danger. Even getting up Mordor in the first place is an accomplishment, but getting railed by Sauron, a man/swirling bit of ether and anger, is the great prize. Mordor seems nice. A big mountain, great views, with plenty of space for the large home that I have always dreamed of. Sauron’s large arms will build me the mansion of my dreams: vaulted ceilings, lots of marble in the foyer, a dash of Godfather chic in the courtyard. Perhaps my Romanesque fountains will spout the blood of my enemies instead of water, but that’s okay. It’s what Sauron—and I—want. It’s all we need.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

DISCUSSION

The part in the timeline where they’re setting the new series still has Sauron able to take on a fair form, so he’ll probably look like an attractive, tall elf.