Maybe I'm Attracted to Jason Derulo As a Cat

I swear to god, the Cats publicity tour will be the thing that ends me, but I will at least go out on a high note. Here’s a taste: Jason DeRulo, a man who loves to sing his own name, showed Kelly Clarkson and Nicole Byer how to be a cat on national daytime television.

Derulo, who is playing Rum Tum Tugger in the forthcoming film, was on Kelly Clarkson’s weird talk show talking about cats and presumably some other stuff, though that feels less important to me after viewing this clip, for this is when I learned that Jason Derulo attended “cat school” to learn how to be a cat.

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“So, everybody had to go to cat school,” he said. Pardon me? “So cat school, basically, there’s a woman who is very... She’s not like a cat psychologist... Not everything I say sounds ridiculous in my mind!” Buddy, I’m sure they’re paying you well to talk about becoming a cat with conviction, and honestly, sweetie, you’re doing great. Because guest Nicole Byers’s riotous laughter interrupts Derulo at every turn, it is clear that “cat school” is not something that can be talked about with words. Derulo must demonstrate with his body.

I am not physically attracted to Jason Derulo normally because his face reminds me of Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson and also because I cannot take him seriously as a musician. Unfortunately, watching him turn into a cat has changed my mind.

The tunic-length tank top is not really working for me, but everything underneath the tunic certainly is. Something about this nasty little cat crawl, which I’m sure he learned from a very nice woman with a supple spine and one too many kittens in her bathroom, is erotic to me. A Magic Mike vibe. Shoulders. Deltoids. Hmm. Just something to think about.

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