Please Don't Try to Do a Split Right Now

Summer music is music best enjoyed in the company of other sweaty bodies pressed against yours—in a dark bar, a crowded backyard, or the privacy of your own home. This summer, we are not allowed to press our bodies against strangers and so it feels quite rude of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion to release “WAP” into the ether—a perfect hoe anthem for a moment in time where the only hoeing you can really do is at home. After viewing this video roughly four times in a row, I would like to warn everyone around to not attempt a split just yet, even though it is quite tempting to do so.

The version of the song in the music video is edited for propriety’s sake, which is FINE, I suppose, as WAP stands for “wet ass pussy.” The general public will hear the chorus of this song as “wet and gushy,” which works but lacks the aural punch of “wet ass pussy.” The explicit version is straight filth, in the best possible way; I am basking in its nasty glory now before the teens of TikTok find a way to make Megan Thee Stallion rapping “If he ate my ass, he’s a bottom-feeder” into some sort of viral challenge.

One note: there is still no excuse for Kylie Jenner’s appearance, which is disorienting and personally removed me from the experience of taking notes on how to properly direct a man to park his big Mack truck in my little garage. Anyway, let’s see where we’re at.

Whatever genius came up with this titty fountain deserves a raise.

Moving on—per the chopped not slopped Frank Ski sample that opens this track, there are indeed some hoes in this house! Here’s a long hallway, with many doors, containing, I assume, a bevy of hoes, reclaiming the pejorative.

Found some!

Ack, found another…. but she seems lost.

Some other hoes showed up, though, including Normani and Rosalía, all dancing behind their respective doors, and I urge you to watch the video for their cameos. I’d like to pivot focus briefly, if I may, to Cardi’s breast-forward leopard print ensemble, which is not appropriate for work. Thankfully, that no longer matters because offices are canceled.

Megan Thee Stallion’s knees are strong, but no one has ever really discussed her hamstrings, which are supple enough allow her to brush her entire-ass pussy on the floor, if she so desires. See below:

Chloe Ting is no longer of use to me, because I have now pinned Megan Thee Stallion doing the splits in a bodysuit to my fitness vision board, thank you and good night.