If you haven’t been watching Season 9 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, allow me to explain the prevailing drama that, on Tuesday night, led to Lisa Vanderpump getting caught in a lie for the first time possibly ever.
The players: Lisa Vanderpump, Dorit Kemsley and her fake accent, Teddi Jo Mellencamp, and a Vanderpump Dogs rescue pup named Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy.
The issue: Dorit, after having already rescued and returned a dog to Lisa’s Vanderpump Dogs business once before, adopted a second puppy named Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy. Not long after bringing her home, Lucy bit her husband’s face and was just a bit too rough with her children, so, embarrassed that this was her second failed dog adoption—and instead of returning her to the shelter or even telling Lisa what happened—Dorit gifted Lucy to a friend, who later took her to a pound (a hop, skip and a jump away from a kill shelter), infuriating Lisa.
Lisa, being the calculating business Svengali that she is, somehow managed to convince her then-loyal friend Teddi to do her dirty work and punish Dorit by bringing the private matter to the friend group. Once it became clear that Teddi was being used as a pawn in a plan orchestrated by Lisa, the Housewives became divided between believing Teddi’s version of events and Lisa’s. The latter is losing.
Oh, and after weeks of back-and-forth, Dorit has kind of given up on interrogating the issue—she’s just thrilled she’s no longer the source of animosity, even though she’s the one who tossed Lucy aside.
The lie: On Tuesday night’s episode, Teddi admitted to her involvement in a plan meant to a) embarrass Dorit as being unable to take care of a rescue dog, and b) ensure the other women in their friend group knew about the Lucy drama without Lisa having to tell them (that would be petty and beneath her). In coming clean, Teddi revealed that, not only did Vanderpump know she was going to mention the dog drama to the others, but that they were on a phone call weeks prior working to determine how it would go down. In Teddi’s retelling of events, it became clear that Lisa’s version of the truth had too many plot holes. And when Lisa was confronted with the glaring evidence against her, she was borderline speechless—a real rarity for her.The why: You could argue that it was only a matter of time before one of Lisa Vanderpump’s perfectly orchestrated schemes got the better of her, but that’s not totally true (remember, poors, this is a bijillionaire speaking. Rich people get away with everything). I believe Vanderpump’s fuck up was on purpose—she (and the Bravo network) needed to extend the drama over the course of a few episodes to ensure that even the most casual Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans would become intrigued with Vanderpump Dogs and all the tension that business can produce because, hello, a spin-off is on the horizon. Prepare yourself for more doggie drama.