This Year's Christmas Ham Is Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton

’Twas 35 days before Christmas when, all through the house, I was mad at the music video because not to kink-shame but don’t involve me??

Gwen Stefani released a new music video on Tuesday for “You Make It Feel Like Christmas,” the title track from her 2017 holiday album featuring boyfriend and fellow The Voice coach Blake Shelton. The video, directed by longtime Gwen collaborator Sophie Muller, might appear sweet and innocent at first—a loving tribute to White Christmas and other holiday spectaculars from Hollywood’s past—but I’m pretty sure it’s actually one big emasculation fantasy wrapped in a family-friendly aesthetic?? Which, again, is fine, but, again, don’t involve me????

Blake tries to sing for Gwen, but she is not impressed.

So, she brings in some children. Even children could do better!

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Even Santa could do better! But this time, at sex.

As punishment, Gwen makes Blake crack his own nuts…

…Which, for reference, are a joke. Gwen laughs at them, the nuts.

Ho ho ho, she laughs. To herself. Her only intellectual equal in the home.

But he can’t crack the nuts. He can’t even do that right.

Balls in the face for him!

I’m not sure if the fantasy in this reading would belong to Gwen or Blake. Either way, it’s fine.

Fine!!!!

Watch the video.